More of my jokes are looking for love on Twitter.
JOKE OF THE DAY
My nephew said he had a near-death experience. Typical millennial, can't fully commit to anything.
PREVIOUS JOKES OF PREVIOUS DAYS
.A much nicer word for “incest” would be “kintimate.”
It's a good thing Jesus can do anything because 2,024 candles will be a lot to blow out in one breath.
Everything would have been okay if OJ had just explained that Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman were being mean to his livestock.
Judge Merchan: "We will not have court on My 17th, so Mr. Trump can attend his son's graduation."
Barron Trump: "What did I do?!"
The only way to stop a bad puppy with a bite is a psychotic governor with a gun.
A psychiatrist said that the man who deliberately drove a Tesla off a cliff with his wife and kids in it was "psychotic." Not for driving off the cliff: for buying a Tesla.
Unbelievably, "fucking Corey Lewandowski" is only the second most disgusting thing that Kristi Noem has done.
I saw a headline saying "Atlanta Falcons make shocking quarterback pick," and I thought, "When did Kristi Noem declare for the draft?"
I've noticed that the people who always want to give you a consoling hug are the ones who have caused the issues in the first place.
Fitted sheets are the kleptomaniacs of the linen world.
I have no idea what it means when a grocery store advertises itself as "well curated," but I'm not willing to learn.
And I suppose they'd like us to think it's just a coincidence that OJ got a COVID shot yesterday!
Headline: OJ Simpson Dies Of Cancer
Me: And this is why we should never cure cancer.
Headline: OJ Simpson Dies Of Cancer
Subheadline: Cancer spotted driving a white Ford Bronco leading the LAPD on a high-speed chase
With OJ’s death today, I'm reminded that Alan Dershowitz has gotten more guilty people off than the prison handjob expert. But in the legal community, the handjob expert is much more respected.
At this tough time, thoughts and prayers go out to Alan Dershowitz, who just lost yet another classy client.
So now the real killer of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman can finally stop looking over their shoulder.
Anyone have a good recipe for all this leftover eclipse ham?
I just stepped outside at 11 pm, and apparently there's lots more totality going on!
Having just seen a solar eclipse, I think we can now all agree that a lunar eclipse is the Robert Kennedy Jr. of eclipses.
The WWE insists that it be called "The Paul Levesque Era Eclipse."
This eclipse could have been an email.
I mistakenly left my laundry out on the clothesline during the eclipse, and now my sheets are blind.
I don't know if any of you heard about this, but later today, I guess there's an eclipse or something scheduled. So don't screw it up, or they won't let us do another one for awhile.
I saw a bumpersticker this morning that said "I break for homonyms."
At this Easter season, let's all remember that you can't spell "Christianity" without "insanity."
Kevin Sorbo's Twitter name is @KSorbs, which sounds like a Korean boy band's adult diaper.
Waiting for the press conference where Sacha Baron Cohen blames his interpreter.
I'm a little confused about what's about to get published. Why would Sacha Baron Cohen tell LSU coach Kim Mulkey to get naked for the NCAA tournament?
The commissioner of baseball should make like David Stern and send Shohei Ohtani off to play a season of minor league basketball until this blows over.
My uncle died doing what he loved best - owing everyone money.
I’m still mad at tongue depressors for taking away all my tongue's joy.
When I don't recognize the name in a movie credit that says ". . . as Himself," I don't know if I should be more embarrassed for me or for him.
There's only one lie a parent should ever tell their kids - that they'll never lie to them.
M&M’s announced that they’ll be making a special Easter M&M. Paradoxically, after the crucifixion, M&M's would have slipped right through Jesus' hands.
The Robert Kennedy, Jr./Aaron Rodgers campaign slogan should be "We Have No Shot At Winning".
A lifelike male robot was presented at a recent press conference. It immediately grabbed a female reporter's butt, making it the leading candidate to be Trump's running mate.
Reports are that Kimberly Guilfoyle is trying to break into modelling. Which is weird because it actually looks like she’s trying to break out of a crypt.
If you try hard enough, any bed can be a deathbed.
A typhoon is God giving the earth a wet willie.
I miss the old-fashioned way of hiring - A bloody hobo would limp into a small town, take the Help Wanted sign out of the shop's window, hand it to the owner, and say, "I'm your new barber."
The belly button is the peephole of the soul.
Half of Kid Rock's band has COVID. The other half has tone-deafness. And syphilis. And COVID.
Dust mites are my spirit animal.
The letter Y is the February 29th of vowels.
For someone who really seems to enjoy their job, I don’t know why the Reaper is always so grim.
My pet peeves have officially been classified as emotional support peeves.
Crossing my fingers that today is the day that somebody finally calls me a "real jazzbo".
"There Once Was A Man From Nantucket" is my favorite song about wiping off one's chin.
GET OUT OF THE HOUSE IMMEDIATELY! THE FOLK MUSIC IS COMING FROM UPSTAIRS!!
When tadpoles outgrow that childhood nickname, they want to be called "Thaddeus Poland".
I miss the '80s when all you had to do to be kind was rewind.
Tragedy + Time = Newsweek.
Is it just me, or are other people me, too?
Headline: Justin Bieber Tests Positive For COVID
Subheadline: COVID Tests Positive For Gonorrhea
I'm probably late to the party, but do people still say "late to the party"?
During this holiday season, let's keep the bris in brisket.
At this point, I'd be happy to settle for a near-life experience.
Call me old-fashioned, but I miss seeing little kids practicing throwing knives into the ground.
Worst humblebrag ever: "I was having a bad hair day in that New York Times photo when I was convicted of bestiality."
It seems like a Men Without Hats cover band would have to be called Men With Hats.
Toby Keith should have known better than to get the COVID vaccine last week.
If opossums could talk, I bet they'd sound just like Christopher Lloyd.
This country started its decline when middle-aged men stopped looking like Morey Amsterdam.
Just to see his orange head explode, E. Jean Carroll should offer to let Trump borrow a few million dollars.
Maybe Trump could get a loan from his successful businessman friend, the My Pillow guy.
When it came out that Aaron Rodgers said he believed that Sandy Hook was a staged government hoax, not one person said, "Hold on a second, that doesn't sound like him."
Definition of a fucking douchebag: Aaron Rodgers before March 13th.
Definition of a fucking asshole: Aaron Rodgers forever after March 13th.
It feels like we're just one news cycle away from Speaker of the House Mike Johnson saying that dinosaurs disappeared because they stopped believing in Jesus.
A rapist, a traitor, and a fraud walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What'll it be, Mr. Trump?"
No spoilers, but the moral of the story in Netflix’s “American Nightmare” is that no good can ever come from watching a Ben Affleck movie.
Because of the outcome of every Dallas Cowboys playoff game, it's really easy to keep up with the Jonses.
(I'm not always great at analogies, but) The Dallas Cowboys giving hope is to their fans like Lucy holding out the football is to Charlie Brown. Or maybe, the Dallas Cowboys are to fucking chokes like their fans are to fucking idiots. (I told you I'm not always great at analogies.)
I will give the Dallas Cowboys credit for one thing: I haven't felt this happy about a team losing in a long, long time.
First the Dallas Cowboys came for their preseason opponents, and I didn't say anything because it didn't affect me. Then they came for their regular season opponents, and I didn't say anything because it didn't affect me. Then they came for their playoff opponents, and I can't stop laughing.
On my own, I personally have as many 21st century playoff wins as the Dallas Cowboys. I am America's Mike!
It still believe that the Dallas Cowboys are just one draft pick away from choking in the first round of next year's playoffs.
Buck up, Dallas Cowboys fans. Next year, you'll win 13 games before you get embarrassed in the wildcard round.
I haven't seen Jerry Jones this mad since the Cowboys' last playoff game.
Maybe they're called "America's Team" because when an underdog led by a Black man beats them, an old white billionaire cries.
Every time the Cowboys lose a playoff game, an angel gets its wings.
I don't know which Jerry you could count on to cry more at the end of every big event: Lewis or Jones.
If you call yourself "America's Team," shouldn't at least one person outside of your home city be rooting for you?
You guys like impressions? Here's my impression of Elon Musk as the captain of the Titanic talking to passengers as it was sinking.
Elon Musk as the captain of the Titanic talking to passengers as it was sinking.
"That will be $100 more for the ocean view."
Thank you.
When someone won't have sex because they have a headache, it should be called a "mygroin headache." (If it's not totally clear, I just don't care any more.)
Yeah, but what the lamestream media refuses to report about Lauren Boebert being at the theater is that two sections over, a greased-up Hunter Biden was doggiestyling his laptop!
There was better acting in Lauren Boebert's clip than in Ashton Kutcher's, Mila Kunis', and Drew Barrymore's apology clips combined.
Red carpet interviewer before Beetlejuice: "Ms. Boebert, who are you wearing tonight?"
Lauren Boebert: "It's from the 99 Cent Store's Naughty Applebee's Hostess Halloween costume collection."
You have to give Ashton Kutcher, Mila Kunis, and Drew Barrymore credit for showing how to make the perfect anti-demo reel.
Only Lauren Boebert could make getting handjobs from a grandmother in a theater seem dirty.
When a bartender calls me "boss," I can never tell if I'm being respected or mocked.
Trashbag Lauren Boebert is the only person who treats serving in Congress as an audition for OnlyFans.
Every time I've heard Drew Barrymore speak, I think, "There's the entitled airhead in high school who feels victimized that everyone isn't voting for her for class president."
Thank God, I now have a reason based on morality to never watch Drew Barrymore, instead of the one I've been using for the last 25 years ("She's nauseating and talentless.").
With a quarterback rating of 39.6 in a big game, it’s nice to see that Aaron Rodgers is already in post-season form.
The five stages of grief:
1. Pudding
2. More pudding
3. Lots of pudding
4. Lots more pudding
5. Denial
Before I had a grandchild, I had no idea what swaddling clothes were. Now I have no idea why they don't come in adult sizes.
Back in the day, we didn't say, "He has big dick energy". We said, "What an asshole".
Just like adding "in bed" to the end of all the fortune cookies, we should add "AF" to the end of all the Ten Commandments.
As artists always say, "I didn't choose poverty. Poverty chose me."
This country lost something when 1st-graders stopped trick or treating as hobos, with charcoal briquettes rubbed on their face for stubble and dirt, and carrying a cigarette butt from Uncle Charley's ashtray in their mouths.
If it wasn't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. Just last month, I wrote on my vision board: "Change of career. Enroll in Oligarch classes."
I'm not an empath; I'm an enpath. Because I link a range of numbers and do not require a space on either side of me.
I don't know how they stay in business since there are always more dented boxes of Lucky Charms than there are customers in every Walgreens.
Of course angels aren't real, but if they were, they'd be cows.
I never feel so alone around so many people than in an REI.
And yet another lie our parents told us: There is NOT a law against sitting around all day feeling sorry for yourself.
I don't know why "yesterday", "today", and "tomorrow" are different words when they're all the same thing.
I have come here to chew bubblegum and post unfunny jokes, and I'm all out of bubblegum.
I'll gladly pay someone $100 to take my name, image, and likeness off my hands.
Now that I have my PhD in Fashion Design, you will call me Dr. Fancy Pants.
In the fish world, is buying your goldfish a treasure chest the same as buying your human friend a lottery ticket?
When I die, I want to be cremated and my ashes placed in a quinceanera pinata.
I'm absolutely convinced that in every Boston sports crowdshot from the early 1970's, there were at least three men and one woman who looked just like Killer Kowlaski.
This holiday season, remember to keep the Christ in "Christ almighty, Christians are even more annoying in December."
Meteorologists should only report the real temperature, not the "feels like" temperature, the snowflakes.
I'm microdosing Wayne by listening to Lil Wayne.
Michael Nesmith of The Monkees passed away today. I guess God needed some White-Out.
Fuck = Frankincense
Marry = Gold
Kill = Myrrh
I'm betting that when they announce the Most Popular Baby Names at the end of the year, at the very bottom of the girl's list will be "Ghislaine".
Given what would come next, you really have to love the sound of a mockingbird to hope that it will sing.
CNN: Bob Dole has passed away.
Me: Again?
More and more, the Supreme Court is acting like an inbred HOA Board.
This holiday season, let's all remember to keep the Christ in Christian Slater.
Remember the old do-it-yourself handyman adage: "Measure twice and cut your losses and call someone from Angie's List."
Is it okay to teach Constructive Critical Race Theory?
Now that men growing moustaches for Movember is over, welcome to Mercember, where women wear merkins to being attention to the fight against HPV.
I love this time of year when Pumpkin Spice Ivermectin is available everywhere.
Shrew rats are the Scottish soccer hooligans of rodents.
Shouldn't crochet be pronounced "crotch it"?
How soon before those wormy horses start hoarding all the ivermectin?
I wanted to go to the ballgame for 3 hours today, but my wife wanted to go to the Farmer's Market for an hour. So we compromised and went to the Farmer's Market for 3 hours.
I've never been able to milk a cow, so I know I won't be able to milk a crate.
If that guy down the street talks to me about his rain gauge one more time, I think I may have to go buy one.
Sirhan Sirhan. The assassin so nice, they named him twice.
It's extremely dangerous to summon the Candyman by saying his name 3 times in a row. Because diabetes is no laughing matter!
Scottie Pippen rents out his mansion so fans can watch Olympics from his pool. In related news, Dennis Rodman lets you listen to Colin Cowherd on the radio in the Volvo he sleeps in, and for a few extra cigarettes, he shows you where the abandoned horse trough is that he bathes in.
I asked my grandson "Who's going to grow up to be big and strong?" and his very first words ever were, "That question is a violation of my HIPAA rights."
Various Dunkin' Donuts jokes that are alternative names based on whatever the hell I was trying to accomplish here:
Tony Shalhoub = Monkin' Monuts
Religious woman's castrated relative = Nunkin' Nonuts
Jetsons' dog Astro's snack = Runkin' Ronuts
A monarch's sad testicles = Onekin' Woenuts
4-year-old son Guido's testicles-greeting = Youngkin' Yonuts
Bedridden, boyfriend testicles = Bunkin' Beaunuts
Throwing out the Prez's testicles = Junkin' Joenuts
Doofus with dragging testicles = Lunkin' Lownuts
Scuzzy, artificial testicles = Funkin' Fauxnuts
Sexy, promiscuous testicles = Hunkin' Hoenuts
Gourdy, impoverished testicles = Punkin' Ponuts
Drowning, stitched testicles = Sunkin Sewnuts
Canadian Dunkin' Donuts = Tim Hortons
Jeff Bezos returned to earth? Come on, black hole, you had one job!
Hey TSA, a little heads-up would have been nice that I can no longer bring my emotional support heroin on the plane!
It seems to me that Tweety Bird's "I tawt I taw a puddy tat" would be torn apart by any good District Attorney.
I learned the hard way back in college to never listen to any talking bodily fluids.
As I get older, I manage to be incredibly skinny yet still horribly flabby at the same time.
Is it asking for too much that just once I be hoist by someone else's petard?
I hope you and yours are all having a happy and holy Bobby Bonilla Day!
Since they seem to be fine with celebrating rapists who got off on a technicality, maybe the Lakers will now retire Bill Cosby's prison number.
The way dogs clean themselves can't be beat!
"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. A kick in the crotch makes your eyes real watery." Captain Lou AlGandhi
God is my co-pilot. And it feels like my flight has been cancelled.
I haven't been sleeping well lately. Looking back at it now, inventing that Nighttime Talking Wallpaper™ wasn't my best idea.
Two blank spaces can make all the difference. Psychotherapist = good. Psycho the rapist = bad.
You're probably not getting a raise this year if your performance review included the phrase "shallow grave."
Trust me, you don't want to see someone doing sign language for diarrhea.
Hey Madness, even in this crazy seller's market, I don't see how your house will get many offers since it's in the middle of your street.
Who cares about the Tour de France? If I wanted to watch a bunch of one-testicled guys doing drugs as they ride their bikes in circles, I'd watch the Jim Rose Circus.
To survive in my tough neighborhood, you needed a rottweilest.
God is my co-pilot. And it feels like my flight has been cancelled.
My weighted blanket is filled with all my unconfessed sins.
The secret UFO files will eventually show that the alien abductions are being done by Greys who are punishing the people who call them "Grays".
Economists are in unanimous agreement that the drastic downturn in the bobby pin sector is a direct result of my Mother passing away in 2020.
Brooke Shields' daughters and I were also twinning yesterday in that we all thought how embarrassing it is for someone to pretend that they're their daughters' age.
My rank-choiced voting:
3. The figure-four leglock.
2. The smell of gasoline.
1. "He only takes tips."
There's no such thing as a yes-or-no question to an Irishman.
I wish a Happy and Holy Prime Day to you and yours.
Ted Cruz is the only person who can somehow make reciting the Pledge of Allegiance seem like a traitorous act.
I'm not sure of much, but I do know for a fact that I'm heading in the opposite direction if your first sentence to me is, "Hi, I'm Lala."
It can't be a good sign that my Face ID only recognizes me when tears are pouring down my cheeks.
I've had a lot of time over the past 16 months to reflect on what I should really be doing with my life. So contact me if you ever need a freelance Blood Spatter Expert.
CNN reports that Ben Affleck expects to be fully reinstated as Bennifer in August.
On a purely selfish note, I'm glad we don't have to wear masks any more because now people can start complimenting me on my goatee of bees.
Redneck: "How come there ain't no Straight Pride Month?!"
Every TV Ad For The Last 40 Years: "Come on down to Ford Truck Month!"
I would like to thank everyone who calls themselves a "foodie" for making it easier for me to point out exactly what I mean by a "douchebag”.
My dog chewed up the pillow, so I have no idea what I'm supposed to do after I live and laugh.
We had been getting a lot of door-to-door salesmen lately, so instead of a "No Solicitors" sign, I put up a "Let Me Tell You Why I'm A Vegetarian" sign.
So, did Kyrie Irving not do enough stretching or not enough spiritual sage-smudging before game 4?
Coming up next on "Unsolved Mysteries": After 47 years, how is it possible that Steve Nash still hasn't found anyone who knows how to cut hair.
Today is Donald Trump's birthday, but what do you get the man who hates everything?
It's hard for me to watch hockey because I giggle every time they talk about scoring through the goalie's 5 hole.
If the van's a rockin',
It’s probably the struts.
I know a guy who can get them for you for free. But you'll have to have sex with him in the van.
As Matt Gaetz would say, "She's 18-years-old o'clock somewhere!"
Chipmunks are nothing more than squirrels with an attitude.
My imaginary friend just got vaccinated, and now all my imaginary bitcoins stick to him magnetically.
I'd love to get back to the good old days when a flag flying at half-mast meant that the town was suffering from a severe shortage of rope.
A group of Celtics is called a pride of Celtics, and a group of Nets is called a douche of Nets.
You all do what you want, but I can't sit here in good conscience and pretend it's normal that the Stanley Cup playoffs has a Clutterbuck and a Hellebuyck playing in it.
To be played during the 7th year itch:
"Sweet Calomine
Lo-o-tion
Scratching never felt so good."
(I'm very sorry for this.)
I better start living it up soon because otherwise, my most scandalous deathbed confession will be that I never knew even one Beyoncé song.
Kyrie Irving's origin story is that he was bitten by a radioactive douchebag.
I just took the "Which Friends Reunion Character Are You?" quiz, and I'm Paul Rudd because I didn't watch it either.
I need to do this once a year, just to cleanse my palate:
In every facet of his personal and professional life, Alex Rodriguez is a piece of fucking shit.
Thank you for your time.
It feels like me falling hard for the Celtics this year based on last year's promises was just a very special episode of "Catfish."
What I learned watching HBO Max this weekend:
It's okay that Ross slept with and killed Erin McMinaminamoniminamonimin on "Mare of Easttown" because he and Rachel were on a break.
You don't think I'm old? Just sit back and watch me have a 20-minute conversation with a complete stranger about the weather.
Now that I'm starting to see people again, I don't want to sound out-of-date. So can I still say that things are "fire," "lit A F," and "slap?" Or should I just speak like a normal human being?
It's so obvious that the killer in "Mare Of Easttown" is Leland Palmer.
It's puke o'clock somewhere!
I'm working my way up to conquering Mount Everest. But first, Mount Ever, then Mount Everer.
Me: Aimee co-founded the band 'Til Tuesday in Boston in the 1980's, and they had a big hit with "Voices Carry." She's won 2 Grammys and is married to Sean Penn's brother. She was also in "The Big Lebowski" as the nihilist whose baby toe got cut off.
My wife: Stop Mannsplaining.
I went to a fight the other night, and a no-hitter broke out.
If I could say just one thing in person to Bob Dylan on his 80th birthday today, it would be, "Could you please repeat that?"
Next time I'm at the coffee shop and am about to dunk my cruller, I want everyone there to yell, "In the hole!"
And imagine how good Phil Mickelson would be if he didn't have to use those clubs that face the wrong way.
I just got my first-ever hearing aids, so two things:
1) I can now hear all the crap you're muttering about me under your breath, so you better watch your ass because
2) I also just got my first-ever machete.
Thoughts and prayers, Rick Santorum, for being fired from CNN for your racist comments. I hope the GOP in your state hasn't eviscerated the unemployment benefits.
In exchange for her testimony, the Feds will help Matt Gaetz’s ex-girlfriend prep for her junior high school arithmetic final.
In a brochure warning about salmonella, the CDC urges against kissing and snuggling poultry.
Even if we're both wearing masks?
In a brochure warning about salmonella, the CDC urges against kissing and snuggling poultry.
Then why does the brochure have such a thirst trap of a picture?!
In a brochure warning about salmonella, the CDC urges against kissing and snuggling poultry.
If I've said it once, I've said it a million times: Keep the government out of my bedroom!
In a brochure warning about salmonella, the CDC urges against kissing and snuggling poultry.
That talking chicken is a liar!
In a brochure warning about salmonella, the CDC urges against kissing and snuggling poultry.
I have a feeling that the only group that really needs this warning is the same group that ignored every earlier CDC guideline.
In a brochure warning about salmonella, the CDC urges against kissing and snuggling poultry.
For those of us not originally from the South, the salmonella thing is way down on the list of reasons why we wouldn't fuck a goose.
In a brochure warning about salmonella, the CDC urges against kissing and snuggling poultry.
I already got that message loud and clear from my quail hooker's pimp.
In a brochure warning about salmonella, the CDC urges against kissing and snuggling poultry.
Sadly, my squab prostitute is all business, so it doesn't let me kiss or cuddle it anyway.
In a brochure warning about salmonella, the CDC urges against kissing and snuggling poultry.
Just so I'm 100% clear, "urging" is not the same as making illegal, right? Fool me twice . . .
In a brochure warning about salmonella, the CDC urges against kissing and snuggling poultry.
When having sex with poultry is outlawed, only outlaws will have sex with poultry.
In a brochure warning about salmonella, the CDC urges against kissing and snuggling poultry.
First they came for our poultry, and I said nothing. Next, they'll come for our sheep.
Hey, Sisterhood, if you're at all curious about where your traveling pants originated, send the jeans to www.Pantcestry.com.
Please sign my petition at MoveOn to have the National Weather Service officially call every torrential downpour a Gorilla Monsoon.
Matt Gaetz is starting a website called 17andMe.
My wife asked me to do a lot of landscaping in the backyard for her new garden. Now, after 7 straight hours of digging, I realize that she's actually having me dig my own grave.
Friend: I just watched "Rashomon".
Me: Never saw it, but you should check out "Nomohsar".
I assume it's safe by now to pry that gun from Charlton Heston's hands?
Here's an interesting Dogcoin cryptocurrency fact: You'll go broke within one year of investing in dogcoin, but it will feel like it took seven years.
Here's an interesting Dogcoin cryptocurrency fact: Just like their most famous investor Elon Musk, dogcoins spend half the day licking their own balls.
The CDC finally admitted that Gump Worsley was right.
Ellen DeGeneres announced that she's ending her TV show so that she can spend more time at home being abusive to her household staff.
My mind literally explodes when someone misuses the word "mind".
Since the plural of foot is feet, shouldn't the plural of poop be peep?
(Note: I will lose all respect for anyone who laughs at this.)
The good news is that the world is my oyster. The bad news is that I'm deathly allergic to oysters.
Sad to hear about the passing of both Tawny Kitaen and the Obama's dog Bo, And with similar celebrity deaths usually coming in threes, I'd be very careful if I were Jessica Rabbit.
It's very simple. Even a horse that wins the Kentucky Derby should not be kissing a sleeping Snow White.
I know I'm not good at the new math, but isn't 23 and me just 24?
Great job by Twitter and Facebook to ban Trump's posts. Now let's hope that they ban everyone who pretends to like a celebrity's pottery because they think they'll get a production deal.
Me: I'd like to get a wake-up call please.
Life: You've been posting on Twitter for almost 10 years and have 87 followers.
Me: Thank you.
I'm not really up on all the gender and sexual identity designations, but wouldn't a reverse cowgirl just be a cowboy?
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a tape measure, and he'll bother his wife for a lifetime.
I remember when you only got cancelled in Hollywood if Ted McGinley joined your show.
We just found out that snails have eaten all my wife's brussels sprouts plants in the backyard. So for just the second time in my life, I'd like to say, thank you, snails!
The WWE should reintroduce their first Indian-descent WWE Champion by having him jump out of a mysterious box and calling it a Jinder Reveal.
I think the NFL draft should be run like gender reveal parties. It would be great to hear their fans booing as the New York Jets accidentally set their number 1 pick on fire.
I was off the grid for the last few days. Anyone know where I went in the NFL draft?
I, too, have been badly affected by these torrential Spring rains, as my outdoor cotton candy sculptures have been dramatically compromised!
Please donate to my GoFundMe account so that I can start a new career as an Ice Cream Cone Repairman.
Whenever it rains and someone says, "That's God crying," I say, "I'll give Him something to cry about!"
Maybe John Kruk was just really good at the hidden ball trick.
I think the male equivalent of a "Karen" should be called a "Tucker."
I forgive you for never repaying that money you borrowed from me. Willem Dafoe, you're now my Willem Dafriend.
It's true that Cleanliness is next to Godliness, but only when they line up according to height.
I am outraged that last night's Oscar In Memoriam tribute did not include my chance of ever having 100 Twitter followers.
Much like a seasoned drunk who won't go out partying on New Year's Eve and St. Patrick's Day because of all the amateurs, I can't wait until the pandemic is over, so the newbies will be meeting in person and leaving the masturbating during a videoconference to us pros!
Hey Febreze, get back to me when you come up with a "Packed like sardines, walking down the long, windowless, indoor, concrete ramps after beating the Lakers in June when it's over 100 degrees inside the old Boston Garden" scent.
I'm not so much of a "How did your projects go today, Mike?" type of guy as I am a "How did your naps go today, Mike?" type of guy.
I hugged my Mom for the first time in over a year this morning. Not because of the pandemic, but because that woman can really hold a grudge.
He'd be alive today if Walter Mondale had just complied with the Minnesota police officer's commands.
When you're trying to figure out why insane things happen in Texas, just remember that there, Matthew McConaughey is considered smart.
Walter Mondale took his last breath yesterday in Minnesota. Anyone know if Derek Chauvin has an alibi?
I'm sure it's just a coincidence that as soon as Chrissy Teigen rejoined Twitter, Twitter kept trying to commit suicide.
Hey Elon Musk, I'm ready to sell my NFT odor of a vampire musician blowing a cosplay astronaut who's made out of bitcoin shadows. CryptoPal me 6 million Tethereums and it's all yours.
No cops!
As soon as he heard there was going to be a 3-way, Jerry Falwell Jr. immediately ordered WrestleMania.
When Hulk Hogan came out at WrestleMania dressed as a pirate and did the ear-cupping thing, am I the only one who wished he really was a pirate with a hook for a hand?
COVID-19 has changed the way I know how stupid some people are.
According to Matt Gaetz, "Venmo" is short for "I've giVEN MOre money to teenage prostitutes than you can imagine."
Bad Bunny? "What's he do? Nibble your bum?"
During the WrestleMania women's tag team match, when the announcers said "She's now legal," Matt Gaetz changed the channel.
I wish everyone a happy and holy WrestleMania weekend!
Even though I only got 2 of the 3 questions right, I was still allowed to cross the bridge because my troll grades on a curve.
Prince Phillip passed away at 99 years old. And let that be a lesson to anyone else who's thinking about messing with Oprah's friends!
Prince Phillip passed away. And to that, I say, "Again?"
He'd be alive today if Prince Philip had just complied with the officer's command.
The other day, I danced like nobody was watching. But apparently the cops were. Long story short, you're not allowed to dance in a Furry outfit at a children's petting zoo.
Knowing how tough it can be to get accepted if you wait too long, I just signed my 2-year-old up for Alcoholics Anonymous. I figure he has a pretty good chance to get in since he's a Legacy.
"Godzilla vs. Kong" is so long that if they were major league ballplayers, their final fight would have started at second base.
Trying to convince myself that in some cultures, when you piss near a donkey that laughs at your penis, it's considered good luck.
If you don't have at least two dozen more online feuds going on now than you did a year ago, you're not doing this pandemic right.
Georgia recently passed a law to suppress the minority vote. In reply, Major League Baseball said, "To protest this immoral law, we will not hold our All Star game in the state." While The Masters said, "Hold my hood."
Me: "You're no better than me!" (Yelling out the car window just after yelling "Moo" at a cow and getting the silent treatment in return.)
The Winklevoss twins just became billionaires. Thank God, our long national nightmare is finally over.
I tried to go to church on Good Friday, but there was sign on the door that said "Closed Due To A Death In The Family."
.
When mysterious wounds suddenly appear on a female spy's hands and feet, it's called Stigmata Hari.
"Hannah Montana" sounds like a 1970's female jobber from the Helena Valley Championship Wrestling territory.
SPOILER ALERT: Godzilla and King Kong didn't get enough hugs growing up.
Goodbye, Spring Training.
Hello, scratching your crotch when it counts in the standings.
I hope you like second place, Bon Jovi, because I just rocked my one million and first face.
Not everyone's life can be judged at the end as a "roaring success," and I'm okay with mine being called a "cautionary tale."
I realize now that a testicle is a lot more test than tickle.
Is "California sober" like "Kentucky virginity?"
My 4-year-old neighbor has an old soul, in that he smokes cigars and is a bitter racist.
Lil Nas X is selling a Satanic-based sneaker. Maybe I'm in the minority here, but I kind of like the fact that Satan favors casual footwear over stodgy dress shoes.
Lil Nas X is selling a Satanic-based sneaker. I cried because I had no sneakers until I saw a Satan that had hooved feet.
I never feel like more of a man and less of a man at the same time as when I spend half an hour at Home Depot.
Did you know that in Mar-a-Lago, there are over 300 words for "snow job?"
Now maybe everyone will understand why the Panama Canal got that cool palindrome written about it, and all the stupid Suez Canal got was: Zeus, no tide net safe soon; a noose fastened it on Suez.
And to make matters even worse for those living next to the Suez Canal, the ship right behind the stuck one has a Boston captain who's just been leaning on his horn for the last 5 days.
I bet if a runner started telling the boat all about their training regiment, it would excuse itself and leave the canal in a minute.
Maybe the Suez Canal had previously been tweeting crap about the Ever Given, so that's why the ship decided to block it.
My uncle died doing what he did best: using the wrong safe word.
I don't need a weighted blanket. Whenever I'm in bed, I'm always weighed down by my Catholic Guilt.
Just spitballing here, but maybe put a giant baby in the Suez Canal for a bath, and let it slap-splash the boat out?
Reading about Chrissy Teigen quiting Twitter made me think of the old saying
"Don't cry because it's over,
Smile because it's over."
Oh no, Chrissy Teigen quit Twitter. Now how will I know what to think about everything?!
I'm a Pfizer, but my wife's a Moderna, so I'm afraid our kids will get bullied at school.
I don't know what the right number is, but ten toes is at least two too many.
Every time I mow the lawn, I feel like I'm my Mom giving the Earth a homemade haircut.
I suppose it's better than using real feces, but still, shampoo?
This last year has been off just enough that it feels like a meal that was secretly cooked by a vegan.
Shakira's hips are admissible as an Expert Witness in a court of law.
I've never understood hating a person because of the color of their skin. Because if you peel everyone's skin away, we're all the same: dead.
For the record, I just trademarked the following joke, so whenever the star of "Hillbilly Elegy" needs a rectal procedure, I have dibs on it:
"Well, it's like they always say: Keep your Glenn Close and your enemas closer."
Kellyanne Conway's untalented daughter advanced on "American Idol". Dammit, another bracket busted!
It's too early to publish the final results of my dissertation ("Is Name Predestination? From Axel to Zoink."), but it looks like if you give your child a name with an "l" or "k" in it, they're over 60% more likely to end up being traveling rodeo clowns.
"Here's a picture of me getting my COVID shot at the clinic" is this year's version of 2019's "Here's a picture of me having a ham sandwich at the Atlanta airport."
I should have known that my clownfish was really a mimefish when I saw it doing that trapped in an invisible box thing.
I don't care how things shake out when this is over, I will NOT go back to my pre-pandemic routine of sleeping only 12 hours a day!
When I saw "Snyder cut" trending, I wondered why everyone was all of a sudden rewatching "The Tomorrow Show's" circumcision episode.
Its clearer than ever that Jill Biden is more of a doctor than Rand Paul will ever be.
When Rand Paul’s next-door neighbor goes on trial for beating the shit out of him, he should just play Paul's exchanges with Dr. Fauci and plead Justifiable Douchebagicide.
It's so cool that the word "mime" has a silent "e."
I just figured out how to keep all my readers in suspense.
My neighbor is very competitive about his lawn. So after he saw me pushing my mower around for 2 hours this morning, he went out and spent 3 hours mowing his. But the joke's on him because I removed my mower blades beforehand just to punk him. So who looks stupid now, Kevin?!
Coincidentally, interest rates and my interest in interest rates are both at an all-time low.
I hate being called lazy. Instead, please call me a juggernaut of lethargy.
I can't wait until we get back to when the proper reaction to "He tested positive" is "What a slut!"
If you use all 5 of your senses every day, you're just a greedy pig.
Sitting all alone in my backyard now, just hoping to get bitten by a radioactive extrovert.
If Twitter had an Edit button, I'd post something truly despicable. Then after lots of people disagreed, I'd go back and change my original post to something positive so that everyone who disagreed looked like jerks. But, hey, that's just me. I'm a Communications Facilitator.
My delusions are real, and they're spectacular!
They say that to be successful, you should write what you know. So here goes:
No surprise that Burt Ward won the role of Robin over his clumsy brother Awk Ward.
When a hooker has her second client of the day, does that make her a retailer?
A-Rod and J.Lo realized that sometimes it's just too hard to overcome punctuational differences.
Sad news that A-Rod and J.Lo just split up. I mean, if a narcissistic former Fly Girl and an egomaniacal playoff choker can't make it, what chance do the rest of us have?
I just read that A-Rod and J.Lo split up. I wonder who'll get possession of the HEY, LOOK AT ME!?
I just read that J.Lo dumped A-Rod. And since she cut him during Spring Training, she doesn't have to pay him for the season.
I get that He rests on the 7th day, but if you claim that you're doing the Lord's work on days 1 through 6, aren't you really saying that He's either lazy or incompetent?
Hey Twitter, I'm totally down with you banning racists and people promoting violence. Now could you please do me a solid and also ban anyone who posts the hand-clapping emoji between every fucking word? Thank you much!
If the Royal Family really isn't racist, why haven't I ever seen any of them taking a knee during the National Anthem?
It doesn't mean I'll make a bad grandfather just because when my wife said she made a crib sheet for the upcoming grandkid, I said that was good because everyone needs some cheat notes to get through life. How was I supposed to know that she actually made a sheet for his crib?
But you know what country is even better? Switzestland.
Everyone's porn star name should be my first name combined with my last name.
The comparative stages of the dialogue of the parents of the guy who played Batman on TV before, during, and after sex:
Wood
Wetter
West
I know that we're living in extremely divisive times, so if taking the following stand costs me friends or even gets me fired, so be it. I don't care what the science or experts say, I will never use mulch around a newly planted tree.
On their deathbed, nobody is going to say, "I wish I had spent less time with my family and more time bingeing The Office."
I just saw a headline that the Royals don't want any Blacks around them. So is it any wonder that they came in next-to-last in the American League Central?
Just let this percolate for a second before you make a decision: Seeing Eye Kangaroos.
As near as I can tell, Romania's leading export is the undead.
After a lifetime of wearing only briefs, I tried boxers this morning, and within 10 minutes of putting them on, I was looking for the manual's Troubleshooting chapter.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: I repeat myself too often.
If I'm trying to imagine how 7 guys can sexually satisfy 22 women, does that make me pi curious?
I think the cancel culture's next move should be cancelling student debt!
(How's that for combining 2 things I know almost nothing about and making it seem like I'm taking a principled stand?)
I haven't laughed so hard in a long time as when I kept hearing them say "working members of the Royal Family."
After Harry said that his and Meghan's situation has turned out great, Oprah blew it when she didn't say, "So you made a great deal."
The big takeaway is that Meghan Markle is one shitty actress.
Hey everyone. My password for every account on every device is "IDon'tGiveAFuckAboutMeghan,Harry,OrEspeciallyOprah" (case-sensitive).
Knock yourselves out!
I wonder if at the end of the interview, Oprah is going to tell Meghan to check under her mattress for a pea.
Overhead at the doctor's office on this combined HPV Awareness Day and National Grammar Day: "Being subjected to this cold speculum is the type of disrespect up with which I shall not put."
Turns out The Kinks were singing about Lola Bunny.
Next NFL season, the players should take a knee during "Wet-Ass Pussy".
"Your pronouns are what's in your pants." But how do I know what pronouns Inspector #4 is?
Today is HPV Awareness Day, but I'm still writing Chlamydia Independence Day on my checks
I just read that today is HPV Awareness Day. Come on, aren’t we reminded about the Kardashians enough?
Some men see things as they are and ask "Why?" But most men see things are they are and explain why.
My French poodle always pees his name in the snow in Monotype Corsiva. Which looks confusing since his name is Garamond.
MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell had his mic muted at CPAC for spouting vaccine and election conspiracies. I would have gladly muted him by holding my pillow over his face for 30 minutes.
So now maybe Potato Head won't be such a mansplainer!
Taking a cue from the old Mr. Potato Head, the band Mr. Mister will know be known as .
Is it possible to deadname a vegetable?
Let this be a lesson to all of you who laughed at me over the years for hoarding Potato Head penises and vaginas.
Now that Mrs. Potato Head is gender-neutral, I guess you could say she got her tubers tied.
God made Mr. Potato Head and Eve, not Potato Head and Eve!
Thanks, Hasbro! Now I have to worry about my daughter taking a shit next to a gender-neutral potato at her kindergarten.
Oddly, Rich Little is one of the few people who doesn't suffer from Imposter Syndrome.
I'm so glad the election is over so I don’t have to hear about COVID any more.
Now that I'm 65, I really enjoy starting every sentence with "Now that I'm 65."
Before Twitter existed, when media-whore celebrities got divorced, had to go to rehab, or got caught breaking the law, how did they pretend to ask us to respect their privacy?
An Attorney General and a Lieutenant Governor might be a big deal in government, but the most important person in an abattoir is a Sergeant Slaughter.
If it's true that "Stanley Tucci broke the Internet by making a cocktail", I'm guessing the Internet was already in hospice care.
Is a small soup tureen called a soup tourette?
Soup, poop, shit, fuck, cock.
The New York Times reported that a 2-year-old was punched in the face by a stranger on the subway: But are we sure it was really a 2-year-old? Maybe Rick Moranis was back in town.
I day-traded tweets all last week and now I’m totally broke.
Do the young 'uns still say, "That's my jam"? If so, here's my joke:
Smuckers, that's my jam.
(If not, that's okay because I really do like Smuckers.)
.
Well at least we've been spared photos of Ted Cruz frolicking on the beach in his swim trunks and white hood.
To commemorate the passing of Rush Limbaugh, all my opinions will be flown at half-assed.
In tribute to the late Rush Limbaugh, I'm pouring out a 40 ouncer of street OxyContin.
With Rush Limbaugh dying today, I have a feeling they passed out brand new Org Charts in Hell.
Instead of mocking Rush Limbaugh's passing, let's offer thoughts and prayers to the one person who's most hurt by this - his OxyContin dealer.
To honor Rush Limbaugh, until further notice, all Mar-a-Lago swastikas will be flown at half-mast.
Now that Missogynist America Rush Limbaugh has passed away and can no longer fulfill his evil duties, first runner-up Sean Hannity will officially be wearing the MAGA crown.
“Rush Limbaugh Passes Away”.
Okay, so NOW is racism dead?
Like Mayors from the cities of opposing Super Bowl teams, Chuck Schumer and Mitch McConnell probably have a bet on the outcome of the Senate trial. McConnell will have to wear a "Nevertheless, She Persisted" hat, and Schumer will have to wear a "I Am A Very Stable Genius" cap.
To paraphrase Ronald Reagan, “I didn't leave the Party In My Pants, the Party In My Pants left me”.
You'll have to wait awhile to hear from me about the Zoom lawyer who looked like a cat and the Weeknd running around looking lost at halftime. I'm still working on a hilarious joke about the Vice-Presidential debate. Did anyone else notice that a fly landed on Mike Pence's head?!
One bright side to washing my hands a thousand times a day is that I bet my fingerprints no longer match the ones in the FBI's database.
The first time a kid was named Christopher, you know everyone named Christoph felt inferior. And right now, every Christopher is dreading the arrival of the first Christophest.
Opening tomorrow is Impeachment 2: Electric Boogaloo Boys.
Trust me on this - A trampoline is a lot more tramp than Pauline.
The definition of insanity is constantly telling people the definition of insanity over and over and expecting people to pretend they haven't already heard it hundreds of times.
Leon Spinks, Christopher Plummer, and Cicely Tyson all pass away within a week of each other. RIP to three of Muhammad Ali's toughest opponents.
I'm no longer playing catch with my dog. He shook me off 4 times, then crossed me up by throwing high heat when I called for a curve.
I'm thinking this is a red flag: My girlfriend's tramp stamp is actually a tattoo of a hobo.
You all are going to owe a bunch of apologies when it comes out that Armie Hammer has just been doing research to star in "Save Room For Dessert: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story."
The Philadelphia Eagles are so dysfunctional that the band the Eagles feels bad for them.
It's feeling more and more like the state of Texas is bring represented by thousands of rabid bats in a Ted Cruz costume.
I hope the Getaway Car Driver Hornets realize that, legally, they're just as culpable as the Murder Hornets.
I've yet to meet the TSA agent who can show me where it says that I'm not allowed to board a plane with bees in my underpants.
It's hard to believe that it's been 30 years since three decades ago.
I still haven't figured out one good reason why I even know who Chrissy Teigen is.
A guy a couple of streets over wearing a "Praise Jesus" t-shirt just seriously introduced himself to me as "Rambo." I'm thinking we won't be close friends.
You will have a happy and beautiful life if you find a partner who loves you as much as my wife loves Ted Danson.
Reason #7659 that I love my wife: I saw a picture of myself today and told my wife that I have really thin lips. She said that's because they're always running.
King Kong and Godzilla again? Geez, guys, get a room!
It's really sad that Hank Aaron and Larry King just passed away, but it would be absolutely tragic if either of them played 4, 26, 42, 50 and 60, with a Mega Ball of 24.
If I were the person who just won $1,000,000,000 in last night's Mega Millions lottery, the first thing I'd do is buy 1,000,000,000 scratcher tickets. You can't win if you don’t play!
Rumor is that President Biden is going to pardon Lady Gaga for her inauguration outfit.
Every time Ted Cruz smiles, an angel sobs.
He really dodged a sartorial faux pas at the inauguration when Garth Brooks decided not to wear the same outfit as Lady Gaga.
Life's too short for tall people.
Wait a second here? Why am I just finding out now that I voted for a guy whose middle name is "Robinette"?!
A Latino, a Black, and a Jew walk into the Senate. And the joke's on Mitch McConnell.
I just realized from seeing it that I absolutely would fight a revolution against all drum and fife music.
Come on now. I get that it's Inauguration Day, but should that really overshadow that today is the palindromic date 1-20-21?
Is it too early to ask President Biden for my pardon?
When he left the White House for the final time, they should have made Mike Pence call an Uber.
Seeing Kellyanne Conway’s "You're lucky I didn't kill my asshole daughter" video makes Alec Baldwin’s "My daughter is a rude pig" tape seem almost like a Parent Of The Year acceptance speech.
Can Donald Trump collect unemployment now?
Now that he’s moved out, I can’t imagine that Donald Trump's getting his security deposit back.
Do you think that Mike Pence realizes that every person speaking at the inauguration today is telling him in thinly veiled code to go fuck himself?
Little girls all over America are watching the inauguration and are encouraged to realize that they can one day grow up to be an ex-Fly Girl who has a fake relationship with a baseball playoff choker.
Am I the only one expecting Kanye West to bumrush the stage during Joe Biden’s inauguration speech?
I've had some time to think about it now, and I'm just not sure that this Donald Trump guy will make a good president.
To show just how "street" I am, I will now refer to something that amazes me as a "ding dang thing thang." Feel free to do the same.
I'm 65 years old now, and I've never seen a truck commercial that made any sense to me.
A lot of us might have different definitions of what an "asshole" is, but I think we can all agree that anyone who says "copy that" is a dink.
It was just announced that Jennifer Lopez and Lady Gaga will be singing at the inauguration next week. Good God, hasn't DC suffered enough already?
If I had known that Joe Biden was going to have Jennifer Lopez and Lady Gaga sing at his inauguration, I might have more seriously considered pulling the Kanye West lever.
I know that being impeached 2 times seems like a lot, but really, it's only 2 more times than I've been impeached.
Impeachment 2. One of the few sequels I'm happy got made.
Just 8 more impeachments and Donald Trump’s 11th one is free.
Trust me on this - A cockpit is a lot more cock than pit.
Me (channeling that inner Sally Filed we all have):
“This impeachment means so much more to me this time. The first time, I barely felt it because it was all so new. But this time I feel it. And I can't deny the fact that we hate you, Donald Trump. Right now, we really hate you!”
This one's really going to hurt him: It was just announced that Donald Trump has been banned from FarmersOnly.com.
Checking out the NFL playoff schedule, it looks like the Patriots have a bye right through the end of the Super Bowl, when after the game, they will be awarded the Lombardi Trophy once again. GO PATS!
Coors Light may be the official drink of taking your bra off at the end of the day, but Jack Daniel's is the official drink of me taking my pants off at the back of the bus.
I've tried. God knows I've tried. But I just don’t get the actress in the ATT commercials.
Any truth to the rumor that Mike Pence fled the Capitol so quickly during the riots because a woman approached him without a chaperone?
Ted Cruz's Dad: “According to Donald Trump, I was responsible for assassinating a president.”
Ted Cruz: “In the name of President Trump, I was responsible for the killing of 5 people at the US Capitol, including a Capitol policeman. Will you hug me now, Daddy?”
It’s been reported that Pro-Trump rioters smeared human waste in U.S. Capitol hallways during the mob attack. The feces were sent away to 23andme, and the report came back that they're all 100% Nazis.
Today's birthdays: Elvis Presley David Bowie Kim Jong-un.
So take that, people who say there's nothing to astrology!
That new "Omen" poster is really scary. Oh wait, that was just a picture of Senator Josh Hawley.
When people talk about our "greater angels," it makes me curious about who all the asshole angels are.
Sure, the violent traitors took government property, but at least they didn't take a knee.
Once Representative Jim Jordan is fully briefed on what's happening at the Capitol, he'll deny he was ever told.
Once Senator Susan Collins is fully briefed on what's happening at the Capitol, she'll hope that Donald Trump learns from it.
With them getting a divorce, I'm sure it's a tough time for Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. But if their history has taught us anything, you can be sure that they will deal with this in their usual dignified and private manner.
Now that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are getting a divorce, I wonder who'll get custody of the "No, look at ME!"
So far, 2021 feels like we bought what was advertised as a Newly Remastered Director's Cut, but is nothing more than a bunch of unused 2020 outtakes.
Fishes and loaves? Way to NOT be inclusive to carnipollotarians, Jesus!
A Donald Trump supporter always has either a tinfoil hat or a Guilfoyle rat.
Doesn't Jared Kushner look like he smells like an old construction boot fart?
Money can't buy happiness. But it can buy Ted Cruz. Which proves that it can't buy happiness.
The Vegas line is 42 in the "How often does Chris Christie have to call a plumber to unclog his toilet every month?" bet. Take the over.
I know Kimberly Guilfoyle catches a lot of heat, but she really should be commended for her recent Locks Of Love donation: 4 wigs that were made entirely out of her shaven back hair.
The last 4 years so blurred the line between what is and isn’t acceptable that I came very close to posting this:
"Pistachios? They taste more like shittachios!"
Luckily, I decided not to.
Hey, 2020, I'm still waiting for my apology.
Will someone please remove the hair above the peepers on the Jack Haley "Wizard Oz" character using a type of thin sewing yarn so I can make a joke about threading on tin eyes. Thank you much!
Sure, he was an evil psychotic, but at least the Nashville bomber didn't use Mrs. Miller's version of "Downtown."
I bet that a rainbow's fart smells great.
People throw around the word "hero" pretty loosely nowadays, but it accurately describes the first person who said "built like a brick shithouse."
As is his holiday custom, Donald Trump is spending Christmas on the golf course looking for the real killer.
If you say "Pump the brakes" instead of "Hold your horses," get off my front lawn, you punk!
Jupiter and Saturn are closer tonight than they have been in centuries, and you can cut the sexual tension with a knife.
It's already easier for me to remember what pronouns to use for Eddie Izzard than it is for me to remember how to pronounce her last name.
It's been reported that a Russian opposition leader was almost killed when poison was applied to his boxer shorts. Proving once again that the way to a man's death is through his underpants.
The first Christmas card I got this year set the new record at 1, and every card since is ensuring that the "Mentions Of 'Dumpster Fire' In A Year-end Religious Holiday Greeting" is a record that will never be broken.
Human colostomy bag Ted Cruz is the type of guy who would use the female voice on his GPS so he could pay it less.
Ben Carson announced that he wants to start a Think Tank. But maybe he should start a little smaller by opening a Befuddlement Thimble.
The most unused technology ever developed has got to be the HootersFoodToGo app.
Pan Pan the Panda recently passed away in China. I bet Pan Pan the Panda had the world’s most unimaginative parents.
As long as Earth doesn't literally explode into a billion pieces next year, 2021 is a shoo-in to win The Comeback Year Of The Year Award.
So is Julius Erving now supposed to be called Kiddo J?
Some men see things as they are and ask "Why?"
But most men see things are they are and explain why.
The most surprising thing about The Jetsons isn't that dogs can talk in 2062, it's that we still have such a long way to go in the field of Canine Speech Therapy.
Not that it would ever happen, but exactly how are you supposed to boo Bruce Springsteen?
It was really nice of the “Saturday Night Live” audience to acknowledge the great Orioles 1st baseman of the 60’s and 70’s during Bruce Springsteen’s performances.
The first time that John Kasich, Antony Blinken, and Sleepy Joe Biden get together, I call dibs on making the first Winking, Blinken, and Nod joke.
If you really value your privacy, don't name your daughter Casey, Kaylie, or Kyla, because you will eventually end up having to talk to Dateline’s Keith Morrison.
I hope to be tomorrow years old when I finally figure out what "today years old" means.
I'm not a hero just because I didn't post any Thanksgiving jokes about turkeys and Trump and pardons. I'm a hero because I didn't like any posts that did.
I just figured out how to shave a bunch of strokes off my golf score. I gave it up.
If someone says to you "I need to speak my truth", take a big step back because their nose is about to start growing.
Want to know how strong your relationship is? After you see yourself in the mirror, tell your wife that you think you look good enough to hang out with 007 Daniel Craig and his buddies. If she laughs for less than 5 minutes, she really loves you.
Rudy Giuliani has tested positive for COVID-19. But he told the cops that the virus swore it was COVID-over-21.
Rudy Giuliani has tested positive for COVID-19, proving that the virus can go from bat to human and back to bat again.
Loving the latest Wu-Tang Clan/Dunkin Donuts collaboration: the Ghostface Crullah.
This morning, my wife said that every day would be a success if I accomplish just one thing. So today was a success because I accomplished remembering that she said it.
It makes perfect sense that the inventor of My Pillow isn't woke.
My proposal for one of those "Our home has a problem" Geico ads:
Homeowners: "We love our new home, but the neighbors' kids' balls keep rolling into the yard."
Cut to: Doctor scooping up objects in a basket from the homeowners' yard.
Closeup on Dr.'s labcoat logo: "Goat Castration Clinic".
Just let this percolate for a second before you make a hasty decision: Adult diapers made out of Legos.
I don't know why, but when I see a parked car backed into a driveway, I think a rich person lives there.
Please don't bother me for an hour. I have to sit very still and very naked in the backyard while the Jewish Space Laser manscapes my private parts.
I can't wait until this pandemic is over so I can go back to never washing my hands again.
Remember, what doesn't kill you makes you weaker and more susceptible to dying from the next thing.
Some men aren't sure how the alphabet ends and ask "Y?" I am sure how the alphabet ends and say "Y Z."
The Republicans were right: Joe Biden has been President for only two weeks, and already nobody is saying "Merry Christmas".
It feels like Aaron Paul's middle name should be a comma.
Fee-fi-fo-fum.
I smell the blood of an Englishman.
So I know I don't have COVID.
My friend is really depressed because he's been in traction for 2 weeks after messing up his back sneezing. But I told him that God will never give him more than he can handle me making fun of.
Some men see things as they are and ask "Why?"
Why?
It's killing me that I can't figure out a joke about a mohel and the tip of the iceberg.
I've received so many emails from Jon Ossoff asking for money that I'm starting to think he may not be eligible to hold office because he's really a Nigerian Prince.
I'll never understand why an otherwise normal psychotic killer always seems to wear a white shirt and use a dribble glass when drinking his victim's blood.
I just heard someone say they wanted to be a Wedding Planner. Wedding Planner isn't a career: Wedding Planner is a mental illness.
I've always thought I'd be good at the airhorn. Tonight, the whole neighborhood finds out if I'm right.
If I were Vanilla Ice, I'd always wear a mask in public. Not because of COVID, but because I wouldn't want anyone to know that I was Vanilla Ice.
Just a head's up that if you think Animal Husbandry means what I thought it did, you probably won't be getting your deposit back on the tux.
I don't understand what the big deal is about temporarily wearing a mask. I've been wearing a mask of shame since my high school prom.
POS Trump said “If you were a Republican poll watcher you were treated like a dog.”
So both the poll watchers and the election were fixed?
POS Trump said “If you were a Republican poll watcher you were treated like a dog.”
Maybe they wouldn't have been treated like dogs if they weren't licking their own balls.
As far as I'm concerned, the jury's still out on President Biden's appointees until he announces his new Secretary of Shower & Toilet Water Pressure.
With Blinken, Raskin, Levin, Weingarten, Donilon, Dillon, and Yellen, President Biden's MAGA will mean My All Gerund Adminstration.
The Grammy nominations were just announced, and it was Billy Ray Cyrus's lucky day. Miley let him borrow 50 bucks so he could gas up the car and start his Uber shift.
It's like the Democrats are playing checkers, and POS Trump is playing 4D ImNotARealPresidentButICosplayOneOnTV.
Really looking forward to once again having an administration where STEM doesn't mean Sexism, Tyranny, Egotism, and McDonald's.
After finally hearing one of their songs, I'm guessing that the name of the band BTS stands for Bind, Torture, Sing.
Not all heroes wear capes. But according to the arresting officer at the playground, all adults there are required to wear pants.
I haven't prayed in years, but today I'm making an exception.
Dear God, once he leaves office, please have POS Trump use Rudy Giuliani as his lead attorney for all of his upcoming civil and criminal cases.
Amen.
Paul McCartney says that he once masturbated with John Lennon. And I say that neither of them was thinking of Yoko.
We're also still waiting for Michael Avenatti's concession speech.
Say what you will about Ted Cruz being a racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, antisemitic, pompous, halitosic, cowardly ass-kisser.
Happy Anniversary to Michael Keaton. It was 35 years ago today that he first started chewing that stick of gum.
I agree that he's an international treasure, but maybe the reason he disappeared for years is because Rick Moranis owed that guy in New York City some money.
Corey Lewandowski tested positive for COVID-19. So now we know it can go from bats to humans back to bats again.
I know about their voting rights, but can a person run for a federal office while serving time in a federal prison? Asking for a 2-time popular vote loser POS Trump.
CNN reports that thousands of dead people did not vote in Michigan or Pennsylvania. I would have thought more like tens of millions.
You may need to question if you're growing apart when you wake up excited and your wife doesn't want to hear about your life-altering Underpants Tuesday dream.
POS Trump is wasting his time looking for good election lawyers. He better start looking for good divorce lawyers.
And once January comes, we can all go back to not knowing what the 25th Amendment is.
CNN reports that not only is POS Trump out golfing, but that he is refusing to concede any putts to
Jack Nicklaus.
If my satellite company offered an All Celebration 2020 Election Results channel, I would never turn it off.
CNN announced that Joe Biden has won the presidency. And with that, Jeffrey Toobin finally came.
CNN announced that Joe Biden has won the presidency. And I saw thousands of Muslims cheering in New Jersey.
I just listened to CNN's "The Axe Files", and it would be an understatement to say that I was disappointed in the quality of their lumberjack stories.
Every night, CNN's John King has trotted out a new catchphrase that he repeats over and over. Tuesday, it was "It's still too early to call." Wednesday, it was "We have to count all the votes." Tonight, it's "Jesus Christ, Wolf, would it kill you to take a breath mint?"
I do have to give props to Donald Trump for one thing: I now have decent shower pressure to wash off the stench of these last 4 years.
I hear that the Joe Biden transition team is now accepting applications for First Lady Jill Biden lookalikes.
Unemployment claims will now be going through the roof with the layoffs of all the Melania lookalikes.
Okay, America, it took awhile, but today you finally threw a great (Vice Presidential) Gender Reveal Party.
Not to change the subject, but does anyone know how the election turned out?
After the election was called, I spent the rest of Saturday watching the late Herman Cain live streaming himself rolling over in his grave.
You think Rudy Giuliani felt stupid for showing up at Four Seasons Total Landscaping yesterday? Just imagine how Frankie Valli felt when they told him to shut up and start mowing.
Just read that Norm Crosby died. May he dress in pleats.
Hey Bob and Eric, if you've already confessed to shooting the sheriff, it probably doesn't matter how you're pleading on the deputy charge.
Private message to Lindesy Graham: You're not fooling anyone.
My mortgage is due on the 3rd of every month. Using the Supreme Court's recent decision as precedent, I will have my mortgage check postmarked November 3rd, but if the bank doesn't receive and cash it before November 4th, I won't honor it.
The best part of all this will be when Kanye West bumrushes Joe Biden’s acceptance speech.
Anne Hathaway just apologized for appearing to be insensitive to body differences. But I'm still waiting for her apology for appearing in her entire body of work.
Biden = 306
Trump = 232
Austin 3:16 = Joe Biden just whipped your ass.
I bet POS Trump thought that if he let the coronavirus spread throughout the whole country, he'd win 19 Electoral College votes from the state of COVID.
Man, you can cut the sexual tension between the 2 CNN big boards with a knife.
Sure, Joe Biden is leading in the Electoral College Vote category and the Popular Vote category, but POS Trump is leading in the Accused Rapist category.
No matter what votes come in when or how on Election Day, I put the over-under line for my emotional breakdown episodes at 8 1/2.
I understand that today's the election, but if they preempt my weekly very special episode of "This Is Us" tonight, I'm tipping shit over in the streets.
Every business should give its employees today off so they can take part in that patriotic American duty that is National Sandwich Day.
As you vote today, ask yourself: Am I better off now than I was 4 covfefes ago?
Any word on whether Herman Cain did absentee voting or will vote in person on Tuesday?
First Results of the 2020 Presidential Election: Dixville Notch, NH: Biden: 5 Trump.
And POS Trump's lawyers have already appealed these results to the Dixville Notch Supreme Court.
Boarding up my heart and soul now. Hoping to reopen by the middle of the week.
My father fought in WWII so that people could vote. Then he came home and fought anyone who liked the New York Yankees. He was a true patriot that way.
I don't care how you found yourself in the situation, it's sexy as hell watching a woman lick dripping blood off the edge of a knife.
Tomorrow is a day that I know I will never forget. And not just because I will start eating all 30 pounds of the leftover Halloween candy the minute Dixville Notch weighs in.
So sad to read that Bobby Orr endorsed POS Trump. I hope he'll be happy hanging out with Don Cherry talking about how "those people" have ruined 2 countries.
I'm less interested in knowing who put their overalls in Mrs. Murphy's chowder, and more interested in knowing who put their dong in the rama lama ding dong.
I have two questions after my recent shopping excursion:
1. What type of woman donates a thong to Goodwill?
2. Did I get ripped off paying $1.99 for it?
I still miss watching “60 Minutes” every week to see if Andy Rooney would forget he was on TV and use the word "snatch."
Whenever I see a fly walking upside down on the ceiling, I wonder why all the loose change isn't falling out of its pockets.
Here's a surefire way to tell if your wife is interested in what you’re saying to her: She isn’t.
Hindsight is not always 20/20. I have cataracts, so my hindsight is 20/2016. Go Hillary!
I was giving out Halloween candy tonight under the full moon when a black cat ran in front of me. And that actually felt subtle for 2020.
Never mind Jeffrey Toobin. There's something wrong with you if you HAVEN'T been masturbating imagining the results of the upcoming election.
My high school team in Boston was nicknamed the Fighting Redmen. Because we were all a bunch of sunburned Irish kids.
I've let myself go so much over during this pandemic that I can correctly be described as looking like Captain Lou Albano's uglier brother and having the personality of Rainman's less accomplished sister.
And that’s on a good day.
If you're losing 3-0 in game 6 of the NLCS and you strike out looking with the bases loaded, march right into the clubhouse and shave off your goddamn soulpatch!
Since people lose 99% of their body heat through their uncovered head, I propose that to stop global warming, we outlaw all of the Yul Brynner International Doppleganger Conventions.
It was just announced that whenever Dr. Fauci is on TV, under its "equal time" policy, NBC will counterprogram with a town hall promoting COVID-19.
On the bright side, if you get COVID-19 and lose your sense of smell, you can no longer be accused of having dealt it.
I always wear my underpants backwards to keep me uncomfortably on edge.
It feels like 2020 is "a very special episode" of civilization.
I miss the good old days when Donald Trump’s personal doctor looked like a Doobie Brothers roadie.
Right now, it feels like 2020 is The Rock and I'm Mankind in their Royal Rumble "I Quit" match.
When the definitive book is written about 2020, will anyone still be alive to read it?
Now Amy Coney Barrett will be known as "The Super Spreader" for more than just what she's done with her legs.
I can never remember - Is it disinfectant a COVID-19 and hydroxychloroquine a coronavirus? Or the other way around?
Which makes me more of an old-fashioned jerk? That I'm happy when an evil politician gets his comeuppance, or that I still use the word "comeuppance"?
2020 is so played out now that I expect it to announce that Mike Pompeo is being replaced by Ted McGinley.
Thank God, this White House has put the "Christ" back in "Who gives a fuck about Christmas stuff".
I bet Allen Iverson also hates practicing social distancing.
The day I knew I became an adult was the same day the cops told me that my girlfriend didn't.
If it's any consolation, Donald Trump, people will also be cheering wildly when your casket lies in state at the Lies To State wing of Trump University.
Every time I see a dirty mattress thrown out in front of a house, I expect Keith Morrison to show up and do a “Dateline” episode called "Sleeping With The Angels".
Or do I?
I set all my clocks 3 minutes ahead. And even though I haven't lived there in almost 30 years, I always have one clock set to Boston time. So kiss my ass, time/space continuum!
I can't wait for New York City schools to reopen because I'm just 3 credits shy of getting my degree in Grifting from Trump University.
I was born in a really seedy, violent, and dangerous section of my parents' love.
Once "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" goes off the air, how will I know which rappers and NBA players to lose all respect for?
Serious question: What the fuck, 2020?
It feels like 2020 is the worst Escape Room ever.
Now that "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" is ending, how will NBA players supplement their off-season income?
Why did only certain Donald Trump supporter boats on Lake Travis receive special treatment? Just because they were sinking?
#AllBoatsMatter
Did we ever find out the results of Paul von Hindenburg's gender reveal airparty?
When the POTUS has no Tolerance or Understanding, he's just a POS.
I've got my second interview for a job as an antifa shadow person tomorrow. Does anyone have an all-black outfit with gear and this and that that I can borrow?
When I wear the shirt I got at Goodwill, I tell everyone it's a Rescue Shirt.
I always finish the Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle in about 10 minutes. My secret? I'm a liar.
I'll vote for the candidate who promises to return our great country back to when 1 roll of toilet paper = 1 roll of toilet paper.
#IHateDoingMathInThePersonalHygieneAisleAtStopAndShop
Now that Jerry Falwell, Jr. has been fired for sexual misconduct and gross idiocy, he's all freed up to be the keynote speaker at the GOP convention.
Marilyn Manson and Justin Bieber are feuding. It’s like the King Kong versus Godzilla battle all over again, but with worse musicians.
As a silent protest, I will wear a mask while watching the GOP convention. And I will only remove it to spit at the TV. So now that I think of it, there'll probably be very little mask-wearing tonight.
Kellyanne Conway quit by using the number one cliched excuse that public figures shamelessly trot out. Still, it's a more believable excuse than number two: claiming she was being treated for sex addiction.
A great nickname for a movie character who's an amphetamine addict named Dennis would be "Benny Denny". Please contact me to buy the rights to that nickname. Serious inquiries only.
Am I the only one in this country who doesn't have Joe Biden's cell phone number?
What is this country coming to when even racists can't trust Steve Bannon?
Donald Trump isn't just unfit for public office, he's unfit for public toilets.
Really sweet stories at the Democratic convention of Joe Biden falling in love with Jill. I can't wait to hear all the adorable stories at the GOP convention of Donald Trump negotiating to buy Melania.
At the GOP convention, will Herman Cain be speaking before or after Ghislaine Maxwell, George Zimmerman, and the kid who was going to shoot up the Pizzagate place?
Colorado Rockies outfielder Charlie Blackmon has tested positive for the coronavirus. But since he plays at Coors Field, his numbers are probably inflated.
When Robert Trump died, I saw thousands of Muslims cheering in New Jersey.
People who won't wear a mask are afraid that it will clash with their tinfoil hat.
I just priced a Dual Adjustability Sleep Number mattress and realized that it would be cheaper to get a divorce.
No reason to be worried about the 250,000 Sturgis Motorcycle Rally participants spreading COVID-19. Just from looking at them, it's obvious that they're concerned with health, safety, and personal hygiene.
Since Mt. Rushmore won't work, and since he is so concerned with water flow, I think that an appropriate honor would be to have Donald Trump's face at the bottom of every toilet and shower.
With the announcement of Kamala Harris Democratic VP pick, my thoughts and prayers go out to Mike Pence.
Since we’ve checked murder hornets off the end-of-times bucket list, I’m now expecting the country to be attacked by incontinent flying donkeys. And I will not wear a hat!
Will people washing their hands while singing "Happy Birthday" to Bartholomew Maximilian MacFaindridgeshireton be healthier than those singing it to Joe Bly?
I wonder if Lori Laughlin will pay someone to take the coronavirus test for her daughters.
After Abner Doubleday invented baseball, he invented first names that are no longer used.
I like my women the way I like my dental floss.
Waxed.
I like my women the way I like my Parenting Magazine.
With special daddy issues.
The 10th dead humpback whale this year has washed ashore on Cape Cod.
So now the 11th one is free.
Sign seen on the White House lawn.
In This House, We Believe:
White Lives Matter
Women's Rights Are Decided By Men
No Gun Is Illegal
Angels Are Real
Love Is In The Pre-Nup
Kindness Is Weakness
On the rare occasion when the Supreme Court actually gets one morally correct, my first reaction is, "That would never have happened if Clarence Thomas were still alive."
It was very sneaky of the Murder Hornets to get jobs as Minneapolis cops.
Sadly, I'm sure someone's already working on this idea to be marketed toward racists: A collection of all the 9-1-1 phone call videos that report Blacks doing completely normal things, called "Karens Gone Wild!"
When Donald Trump has to update his resume in 2021, do you think he'll list "Bunker Inspector" before or after "Sexual Predator", "Vile Racist", and "Putin Meatsack"?
Donald Trump shakes the Bible like someone shaking an Etch A Sketch, trying to erase what better people have already created.
Donald Trump has even messed up the time-space continuum. He visited a church holding a Bible the day AFTER the church burst into flames.
Walking across the street is the most exercise Donald Trump has got since he threw paper towels at Puerto Ricans.
The only way Donald Trump would open that Bible is if he thought that the Whore of Babylon passage was scratch-and-sniff.
Walt Disney drew Donald Duck without pants because he wanted a constant reminder of his high school janitor.
Rain happens when God falls asleep on His throne and a couple of the mischievous angels stick His hand in a bucket of warm holy water.
When my imaginary friend ran away from home, I went all around town putting up “Missing Child” notices. They were just blank pieces of paper.
It's normal to have an imaginary friend growing up, but I bet Donald Trump was the only kid who had an imaginary enemy.
My parents never talked to me about anything involving feelings. They just hinted at things. Perfect example: I was in the 1st grade when my Grammy died, and when I got home from school that day, there was a chalk outline of her on the rocking chair.
I thought my money would be safe hidden in my mattress. But I just found out that the young boy I have chained to my bed is embezzling from me.
Another childhood hero tarnished. I just found out that Fuzzy Wuzzy is a skinhead.
With all this free time on my hands, I decided to take up a new hobby - watching my muscles atrophy.
Murder Hornets are starting to invade America. But some, I assume, are very fine hornets.
I hear that the Murder Hornets are paying Alan Dershowitz big money to claim that murder is Constitutionally protected.
In these trying times of isolation, I offer you big hugs (from 6 feet away, wearing a mask, gloves, and shame, the way God intended Catholic contact to be delivered).
A symptom of the coronavirus is the loss of smell and taste. Luckily, every day I wake up, I can still smell my own fear and taste my own defeat. So I'm good.
Meghan McCain has announced that she's pregnant. Or as the gun nut she is would say, "I've got another bullet in the chamber."
Even though the NBA has suspended its season, the New York Knicks are still 7-point underdogs tonight.
It was just announced that Justin Bieber had his personal details leaked in the recent MGM Resorts hack, marking the one millionth time that the words "Justin Bieber" and "hack" have been used in the same sentence.
Japanese scientists say they’ve created a child robot that can feel emotional pain. And to add insult to injury, they made it a Cleveland Browns fan.
Today is Ash Wednesday, and if I were you, I'd head right to the FBI with that priest's fingerprint on my forehead.
Today is Ash Wednesday. It's also the day when it's hardest to figure out which coal miners are Catholic.
Today is Ash Wednesday, and if the only smudge a priest leaves on you is some ashes on your forehead, consider yourself blessed.
Alan Dershowitz has got more guilty people off than the handjob specialist at San Quentin Prison.
How to save the price of a diamond ring this Valentine's Day - Make sure the mockingbird you buy her sings.
Justin Bieber announced at a press conference that he's now battling Lyme disease. And at a followup press conference, the tick announced that it's now battling syphilis.
Pete Davidson seems like the only guy who would go into rehab and come out with a face tattoo.
It's already six days in, and I'm still writing "2019" on my ransom notes.
Now that Brad Pitt won a Golden Globe, I bet he'll really start attracting the ladies.
Highlight and lowlight of New Year's Eve.
Highlight: I was in a Wal-Mart on New Year's Eve and heard this announcement - "Maintenance, you're needed in the Women's Department, Intimate Apparel area. Bring a mop."
Lowlight: I was in a Wal-Mart on New Year's Eve.
Talking about Donald Trump's impeachment, Lindsey Graham said his mind is made up. That makes sense, since so are his facts.
Did you hear about the new bedcover that can sense your sleep patterns, adjust temperatures, and even lock your doors. Thank God, someone finally invented an insecurity blanket.
A Polish badger drank 7 beers then passed out on a beach for 2 days. When he woke up, someone had drawn an arrow pointing to his mouth with the words “Place beaver here” written on his face.
A recent earthquake in southern California registered a 5.2 on the Richter scale, but a 0.0 movement on the Botox scale.
A McDonald’s study reveals that only 1 in 5 millennials has tried a Big Mac. But a study from my Aunt Nell and Uncle Charlie reveals that 5 in 5 millennials have tried their patience.
You can now buy the 2020 New York City taxi driver calendar. I can’t wait for the Uber driver to drop it off at my house.
I want to have lived a life so good that when I die, everyone says I was the sweetest man ever. And those who don't say it are ignorant pieces of shit.
The Brass Balls/No Balls Award goes to Representative Jim Jordan, who asked an impeachment witness why someone wouldn't immediately inform authorities when they heard about illegal acts, after then-coach Jim Jordan didn't inform authorities when he was told that his college wrestlers were being molested by the team doctor.
My keet just lost the use of its legs and wings. Now it's a parakeet.
Fun Fact: The amount of bumper stickers someone has on their car is in inverse proportion to how much that person actually reads.
When life gives you lemons, it also gives you papercuts.
I don’t like my eye doctor. Instead of using the machine that gently blows a tiny puff of air into your eyes to check for glaucoma, mine just blows his Marlboros in my face.
And his eye chart is just 7 different-sized pictures of him giving me the finger.
I was sad that after 7 years, I only have 57 followers on Twitter. Then I perked up after I realized that Jesus only had 12 followers after 33 years. Then I got sad again knowing that all 57 of mine will eventually betray me.
I read that the Alabama Public Broadcasting System refused to air the gay wedding episode of the cartoon "Arthur". And what's most surprising about that story is that Alabama has PBS.
Police in Germany raided a neo-Nazi music promotion network. But all they found was a lot of white noise.
A new study in the Journal Of Sex Research has just been released called, "Socially Unacceptable Men Enjoy Sex More With Mentally Unstable Women". A shorter title would have been, "Rappers Like To Screw Kardashians".
A Mississippi community is baffled by mashed potatoes mysteriously appearing on their doorsteps. But I'd be even more baffled if Mississippi people were finding insulin on their doorsteps.
Semi-naked climate change protesters in Parliament recently interrupted a debate about Brexit. Of course, "semi-naked" in England means that people were only partially hiding their teeth.
I'm sure they're all wonderful people, but there really are just too many Deschanels.
The way Kyrie Irving has been playing and acting lately makes me wonder if he's started dating a Kardashian.
On Sunday, the White House held its annual Easter Egg Roll. And to make sure that President Trump was comfortable, none of the eggs were colored.
I had enough snacks for my Bible Study Group until Jesus came and took the wheel of cheese.
The current measles epidemic is a result of parents who refuse to vaccinate their children. And I'm with them. Until one of those so-called "real doctors" gets a million dollars to show her vagina, I'll keep taking my medical advice from Jenny McCarthy.
As I hit my mid-60's, I realize that you're never too old to take up brand new crippling anxieties.
Happy Presidents Day to our 45 1/2 president, Vladimir Putin.
A Colorado jogger killed an attacking mountain lion with his bare hands. So if you thought his jogging stories were self-centered and annoying before . . .
Real headline: Nearly Half Of Americans Die Broke
Positive spin headline: A Big Comeback For Another Great American Tradition - Pauper's Graves
The only way I’d go to a Matthew McConaughey and Anne Hathaway movie is if it were a snuff film. And even then, I’d only pay for the matinee.
California lawmakers just made it illegal for car insurers to consider gender. Next, they'll make automakers call it a "personual transmission".
Howard Schultz recently stepped down as CEO of Starbucks. For his severance, he was given a to-go cup with "Harold" written on it.
Louis C.K. did a bit where he made fun of the Parkland school shooting survivors. It was so despicable that even Dane Cook wouldn't steal it.
A 25-year-old woman was recently married while hugging her childhood teddy bear. Now she and her husband will have a really funny story to tell when they break up in 6 months.
During this beautiful holiday season, let’s all remember to put the “Christ” back in “Christ, I can’t stand my family!”
I hope one day to be secure enough to express my love as openly as my dog does. Especially the part where he licks his own balls in public.
Money Magazine reported that Mark Zuckerberg lost over 15 billion dollars this year. And in a weird coincidence, that's the exact same amount that Vladimir Putin made.
When will everyone realize that "foodie" is really pronounced "douchebag"?
When making cookies for your office Christmas party, don't put any nuts in them. Because some of your co-workers might be allergic to testicles.
The Golden Globe nominations came out today, and it was a great day for Kevin James. He found a slice of pizza in some sweatpants he hadn't worn in a year.
The French government is paying women to have their breast implants removed. Thanks, France, for reminding me how much I hate you.
Watching Donald Trump trying to act like a decent human being at a funeral is like watching a fish trying to ride a bike. Not only are you surprised at the attempt, but you know that where he sat will always stink of fish.
My Mother passed away yesterday. Don't feel bad for me, though. Now I don't have to step over sidewalk cracks any more.
Kim Kardashian said that she was on ecstasy during her first marriage. And she's been on agony since the last.
Every time I see my dog licking his balls, I think that maybe the vet was right - that I should have thrown the balls away right after the castration.
I still don't understand why the day after Thanksgiving is set aside to celebrate Robinson Crusoe's African-American friend.
Donald Trumps' re-election slogan just leaked: "Take All The Hate You Want. We'll Make More."
The Backstreet Boys just announced their biggest arena tour in 18 years. The biggest venue they had sung in in the previous 18 years was a Ford Focus.
175,000 ballots had to be recounted in Florida when some voting machines overheated. But at least it was a dry heat.
No surprise headline: Lindsay Lohan contracts virus
Surprise detail: From a mosquito
No surprise detail: Mosquito now has syphilis
Roadtrip Tip #4: If you're about to go into a highway rest stop men's room, and a guy passes you on the way out saying "That wasn't me," just quietly get back into your car and drive to the next stop.
When a vegan also has a rain gauge, how does he decide which topic to annoy a person with first?
Life is like a video game. I haven't enjoyed one since the 1980's.
A New Jersey lottery player just won $5 million, $500, and $100 in the very same day. Which is not bad for an initial investment of $7 million.
Here's a get-rich-quick scheme that can't miss: the Kardashian Sisters Petting Zoo. With an Express Line for NBA players and rappers.
Idris Elba received the most votes from readers in People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive contest. But the Russians made sure that Donald Trump won the Electoral College Sexiest Man Alive vote.
Under Armour has announced that its employees will no longer be able to write off visits to strip clubs. But it is keeping Happy Ending Fridays.
My babysitter is just 14 years old. I have clothes older than her. Which is why I make her call my underpants "Sir".
The FBI arrested the Florida Trump supporter who sent at least 13 large packages of explosives through the mail. Meanwhile, the Florida Post Office bemoaned losing their best customer in years.
A self-driving, android robot just made its first door-to-door, fast-food, home delivery. And to make the experience more lifelike, the inventor gave the robot pimples.
"Jerseys Shore's" JWoww is launching a new line of lipstick. It's called "Herpes Simplex #1".
Rain happens when Tom Arnold uploads naked pictures of himself to the Cloud, and the Cloud sobs uncontrollably.
When I want to pretend that opera music has the power to heal, I listen to Placebo Domingo.
The most unused technology ever invented must be the HootersFoodToGo app.
To the patient who used the hospital lab's bathroom right before me: I don't know how your urine test came out, but judging from how wet the floor was, I think you need an eye exam, too.
We should listen to Alex Rodriguez talk about clubhouse comradery and postseason success the same way we listen to Larry King talk about happy marriages and bladder control.
The Republican Senators on the Judiciary Committee are so creepy and dangerous that I bet they've all had their accounts suspended on FarmersOnly.com.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight that's important. It's the size of your bet on the biggest dog in the fight.
I truly believe that the decrease in people using the word "dastardly" is in direct proportion to the decrease in villains tying damsels to railroad tracks.
Swimming is really just unsuccessful drowning.
Taco Bell just announced that it will offer pre-packaged tortilla chips inspired by its sauce packets. That's the first time that "Taco Bell" and "inspired" have been used in the same sentence since "Eating at Taco Bell so often inspired me to buy a new toilet."
It's been reported that Justin Bieber married Hailey Baldwin without having a prenuptial agreement. So whey they get divorced in a year, there'll be a big fight over who gets the puberty.
I wish you and yours a happy and holy Hump Day.
Money can't buy happiness. But it can buy a Kardashian. Which proves that it can't buy happiness.
Cats don't really have 9 lives; they're just very good at identity theft.
Lassie giving advice to Benji: "If you want to survive in Hollywood, you have to take time to stop and smell the asses."
Elton John 3:16: "For God so loved mankind that He gave it His only begotten Son Jesus, who wants to go to Venus, leaving Levon far behind."
Tinder just announced a new safety feature that will help women avoid sexual predators. It's called the KavaNO button.
If confirmed, Brett Kavanaugh will be the first Supreme Court Justice to wear a crotchless robe.
The NFL has announced that Maroon 5 will be appearing in this season's Super Bowl. And Vegas bookies have announced that the Buffalo Bills will be a 17-point underdog to them.
I think my dog is racist. He doesn't bark at Blacks, but he has a Ted Cruz sticker on his doghouse.
Stigmata Mittens: Because Jesus Wants To Make Snowballs, Too™
An even weirder coincidence than Judge Kavanaugh's alibi being named Mark Judge is that the owner of the high school party house was named Clarence Rapist.
It seems odd to me that the NFL has a more stringent Protocol Concussion Program for checking scrambled brains than the White House does.
I bet The Man From Nantucket was very popular in prison.
Suspenders were originally used not to hold up your pants, but to pull down your shoulders.
Snow is a result of God's illegal alien maid dusting Heaven.
First there was CraigsList. Then AngiesList. Now FranzListz. Maybe I can sell my 19th century puns there. Asking $30 - cash only, no Czechs.
I think that white noise is the most privileged of all noises.
I'm so skinny that when my Mom was pregnant with me, she was actually concave. People used to think she was giving birth to an open parenthesis.
A recent survey showed that Melania Trump is more popular than Donald Trump. Never mind Melania, at this point, melanoma is more popular than Donald Trump.
Leslie Cockburn, a Democratic congressional nominee in Virginia, accused the Republican candidate of writing Bigfoot-themed erotica. I don't really care about the Bigfoot thing, but I'll back any candidate whose motto is "Vote For Les Cockburn".
A stockbroker turned Hell’s Angel accused of murder, decapitation, and drug trafficking has been extradited back to the United States. You know, I’m a pretty liberal guy, but even I draw the line at letting in stockbrokers.
A Texas girl's loose tooth was pulled using her brother’s Nerf gun by tying the Nerf bullet to the tooth. When asked why they would let their 4-year-old shoot the tooth out of their 3-year-old with a Nerf gun, the Texas parents said it was because their 5-year-old had taken the real gun to kindergarten.
The 2018 Kennedy Center Awards will be honoring Cher and the play Hamilton. They have a lot in common since they both had 11 Tonys in one night.
After going on a racist rampage at a Chicago Starbucks, a neo-Nazi ventriloquist insisted that he’s not a racist. But what’s really going to ruin his reputation is that when he made his denial, you could see his lips move. When questioned separately, his dummy had no comment.
Paleontologists are excited that they have just identified the world’s largest dinosaur foot. “Hey, who do you have to blow to get some positive press around here?” said an irate Bigfoot.
Texas Hospitals are seeing a massive baby boom 9 months after the Houston Astros won the World Series. In related news, LA Dodger fans continue to masturbate to pictures of Tommy Lasorda.
Police arrested a naked man who was doing jumping jacks in a Kentucky McDonald’s ladies room. Meanwhile, the naked woman doing jumping jacks in the men’s room was applauded and never reported.
The state of Kentucky just cut dental care to 460,000 people. 460,000 Kentuckians? That’s almost half a million teeth.
Federal Prosecutors have announced that they have 12 recordings made by Michael Cohen. And somehow, 8 of the recordings feature Tupac.
Mark Zuckerberg said that Holocaust deniers aren't "intentionally getting it wrong." He should have said that they're intentionally getting it alt-right. Then Facebook posted a "Which Nazi Are You Most Like?" personality quiz. I was Chandler.
I'm so glad the World Cup soccer games are finally over. Just another thing I’m supposed to pretend that I care about every 4 years. Like my wife’s orgasms. And just like her orgasms, after 2 straight hours of kicked balls and faked moans, there’s still no score.
I saw a t-shirt at a marathon the other day that said "Pain is weakness leaving the body". I didn't have the heart to tell him he spelled "wellness" wrong.
Iggy Azalea recently said that she has the best vagina in the world. Your move, Caitlyn Jenner's surgeons.
Britney Spears suffered a wardrobe malfunction at a recent Las Vegas concert when her strap broke. But there were more complaints about the audio malfunction when her mic worked.
It looks like all of my baseballs are snitches.
I use a female voice on my GPS so I can pay it less.
A father in Utah said that a hospital charged him $39.95 to hold his newborn baby. But the good news is that for just 20 bucks, they let him wave at the kid.
I'm terrible with names. I mean, I can remember them, but I named my kids Monkey Teat, Belly-Zits McKnucklehead, and Trevor.
Did you know that the rapper Lil Bowwow's real name is Lillian Bowwow?
How To Get Away With Murder, Tip #8: Bury your victim in one of those historical time capsules, and it won't be opened for 100 years.
My wife told me to stop mansplaining. So I told her to stop womannoying. Then I explained to her what that meant.
CNN political commentator Ana Navarro said that the Trump Administration has a harder time keeping employees than McDonald’s. When asked for comment, former White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci said, “Would you like fries with that?”
I went to my doctor to talk to him about those little pills that make you not care about anything. You know – testicles. My doctor’s a pessimist, so he says it’s erectile dysfunction. But I’m an optimist, so I say my pants are half full.
Both Tiffany and Ivanka Trump posted birthday messages online for Melania Trump. And plagiarizing yet again, Melania responded by posting, "Thank you so much, Malia and Sasha."
There's now a dating app just for rich people who went to private schools. It's called incestry.com.
Here’s a fun Olympic fact: One is the number of Gold Medals that Great Britain won at the recently completed Winter Olympics in the Women’s Skeleton. And one is also the number of times the Queen said, “Tell me why they don’t just keep all the women’s skeletons in the closet, like we do.”
Even though I’m a die-hard Boston Celtics fan, I have to admit that Kobe Bryant will go down as one of the NBA’s all-time top 10 rapists.
Cinemark Theatres has announced a ban on large bags to enhance safety and security. Great, so now what am I supposed to put over my head when I’m dragged to an Adam Sandler movie?
All McDonald’s in the United States are removing cheeseburgers and chocolate milk from their Happy Meals, but Canada is still including them. It’s weird, my Dad went to Canada to avoid the Viet Nam war. I’ll be going there to avoid a healthy Happy Meal.
A company in Japan is making it easier to snowboard at night with their new snowboard made with LED bulbs. This is perfect, because I can’t tell you how many incandescent bulbs I’ve broken during my downhills. It’s being marketed to those who are sick and tired of ending up in traction during the day.
The mayor of Lantana, FL, has been accused of asking a woman for sex in exchange for putting in speed bumps that she wanted near her house. She turned him down by holding up a “Do Not Enter” sign.
Over the weekend, a theater in Atlanta, GA, mistakenly played Fifty Shades Freed instead of the Black Panther movie. So it was really more like a showing of Black and Blue Panther.
Jennifer Aniston announced on Thursday that her marriage to Justin Theroux is over. So given what a media-shy person she is, let’s all please respect her request for privacy that she asked for on the cover of People, Us Weekly, The National Enquirer, her Twitter account, Facebook page, Ellen, The Tonight Show, ESPN’s SportsCenter, and your city’s local schools-closing report.
Southern Illinois University is coming under fire for unauthorized herpes experiments. It should have been a red flag that the experiments were just putting sleeping students’ hands in water to see if it hurt when they peed.
Gloria Copeland, Trump’s spiritual adviser, recently said that “Jesus himself gave us the flu shot”. Come on, anyone who believes that is out of their mind. That Trump has a spiritual adviser.
An improv actor has sued Upright Citizens Brigade after he was fired for allegedly raping two fellow comics. UCB’s lawyer can’t wait to ask him “Did you rape that woman?” and have his “Yes, and…” instincts kick in.
Starting next year, Lucerne University in Switzerland will offer a degree in yodeling. Also starting next year, Lucerne University will offer a degree in “Sticking Your Fingers In Your Ears”.
Recently on “Ellen”, Michelle Obama told Ellen what that mysterious Inauguration gift was that Melania Trump gave her. But now Michelle has to pay back $130,000 for breaking the nondisclosure agreement.
A group of musicians from Norway performed a concert using musical instruments made entirely of ice. The show was cancelled halfway through the first song, though, when a musician’s tongue got stuck to his flute.
A porn movie has been made based the Broadway play “Hamilton". And it ends the same way as the play – with 11 Tonys being held by the head.
The Queen’s lingerie designer was fired after writing a tell-all book about royal bra fittings. Coincidentally, that was also the reason that Donald Trump fired Anthony Scaramucci.
In England, a woman rode a motorcycle naked, had sex in the street, then punched out a blind man. So congratulations, Lindsay Lohan, on getting your English motorcycle license.
CNN has discovered that Queen Elizabeth II earned over $8.8 million in horse-race prize money. And it would have been even more if she hadn’t insisted on being the jockey. That sounds like a lot, but it’s actually a little less than she made running illegal Palace cockfights.
You can now live inside America’s first shopping mall in Providence, RI, for $550 a month. The apartments are advertised as “2 beds, 1 bath, and a free spritz of perfume as you walk through the lobby.”
It was announced this week that Mississippi’s Jefferson Davis Elementary School, which was named for the President of the Confederate States, will be renamed the Barack Obama Elementary School. Evening things up for the Confederacy, though, Trump University just announced that it will be reopening as Trump University.
Northern Michigan University is offering a 4-year Bachelor’s degree in marijuana. As odd as that sounds, it will still lead to more worthwhile job offers than I’m getting with my English degree. They’re like (stoner voice), “I’m getting my PHD in THC.” And I’m all (overly enunciated), “To whom shall I serve these fries?”
The state of New York has banned using elephants for entertainment purposes, such as in circuses. So a lot of them are going back to their first careers as Seeing Eye Elephants.
The Park Hyatt hotel in Melbourne, Australia has hired a Labrador retriever to be its concierge. He’s always ready to help when you’ve forgotten where the hotel’s formal dance is, and you ask him, “Where’s the ball?"
Angelina Jolie has offered to help capture Ugandan warlord Joseph Kony. That’s very nice of her, but Kony isn’t the one who starred in “Lara Croft 2”, so who’s the real war criminal here?
A Virtual Aquarium featuring 3-D animations inspired by real-life National Geographic footage is opening in Times Square. Oddly, the virtual goldfish all still die within 24 hours.
A recent study showed what one dollar can buy you around the world. In Japan, a kid can get a Snickers bar. In Italy, a thirsty man can get an espresso. And in the United States, a dollar will get a woman about three quarters.
The Nobel Prize Committee gave 1.1 million dollars to scientists for DNA research to control the body’s sleep patterns. Meanwhile, I gave 2 bucks to my neighbor at his yard sale for a used alarm clock to control my body’s sleep patterns.
Pittsburgh’s self-driving car boom means that robotics engineering students are making over $200,000 a year as soon as they graduate. Which they will count by themselves in the backseat of the cars that are being driven by their imaginary friends.
President Trump threw paper towels into the crowd while visiting hurricane victims in Puerto Rico. And that was actually more helpful than the last thing Trump threw in Puerto Rico, which was a tantrum.
Khloe Kardashian just announced that she’s pregnant. She doesn’t care if it’s a boy or a girl, as long as it’s healthy ratings.
I’m sure you’ve seen in the news that Kim Kardashian, Khloe Kardashian, and Kylie Jenner are all three expecting babies. Well, they say that good news comes in threes, so now I’m waiting for three pieces of good news.
Nevada sold over $27 million worth of pot in the first month it was legal. So it looks like a lot of those $8.99 All-You-Can-Eat Vegas Buffets are about to go out of business.
Apparently, no one wants to sublet Ivanka Trump’s NYC apartment. It’s a good deal, though. The $10,400 a month includes parking, utilities, and a storage space for your soul.
The recent New York Fashion Week had the most plus-sized models ever. Just beating out every Sir-Mix-A-Lot video.
A student from India invented the “ElectroShoe”, which lets women give attackers an electric shock. Which is very effective as long as you’re assaulted by someone with a foot fetish. But it’s still not nearly as effective as Ronco’s VaginaBearTrap.
Jodie Sweetin, who starred in “Full House”, admitted that she has never even watched the show. As People magazine says, “Celebrities. They’re Just Like Me.”
Barbra Streisand would only allow photographers to take pictures of her from her “good side” while taking calls at the Hurricane Harvey telethon. And her “good side” is anything before 1973.
It's a good thing Jesus can do anything because 2,024 candles will be a lot to blow out in one breath.
Everything would have been okay if OJ had just explained that Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman were being mean to his livestock.
Judge Merchan: "We will not have court on My 17th, so Mr. Trump can attend his son's graduation."
Barron Trump: "What did I do?!"
The only way to stop a bad puppy with a bite is a psychotic governor with a gun.
A psychiatrist said that the man who deliberately drove a Tesla off a cliff with his wife and kids in it was "psychotic." Not for driving off the cliff: for buying a Tesla.
Unbelievably, "fucking Corey Lewandowski" is only the second most disgusting thing that Kristi Noem has done.
I saw a headline saying "Atlanta Falcons make shocking quarterback pick," and I thought, "When did Kristi Noem declare for the draft?"
I've noticed that the people who always want to give you a consoling hug are the ones who have caused the issues in the first place.
Fitted sheets are the kleptomaniacs of the linen world.
I have no idea what it means when a grocery store advertises itself as "well curated," but I'm not willing to learn.
And I suppose they'd like us to think it's just a coincidence that OJ got a COVID shot yesterday!
Headline: OJ Simpson Dies Of Cancer
Me: And this is why we should never cure cancer.
Headline: OJ Simpson Dies Of Cancer
Subheadline: Cancer spotted driving a white Ford Bronco leading the LAPD on a high-speed chase
With OJ’s death today, I'm reminded that Alan Dershowitz has gotten more guilty people off than the prison handjob expert. But in the legal community, the handjob expert is much more respected.
At this tough time, thoughts and prayers go out to Alan Dershowitz, who just lost yet another classy client.
So now the real killer of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman can finally stop looking over their shoulder.
Anyone have a good recipe for all this leftover eclipse ham?
I just stepped outside at 11 pm, and apparently there's lots more totality going on!
Having just seen a solar eclipse, I think we can now all agree that a lunar eclipse is the Robert Kennedy Jr. of eclipses.
The WWE insists that it be called "The Paul Levesque Era Eclipse."
This eclipse could have been an email.
I mistakenly left my laundry out on the clothesline during the eclipse, and now my sheets are blind.
I don't know if any of you heard about this, but later today, I guess there's an eclipse or something scheduled. So don't screw it up, or they won't let us do another one for awhile.
I saw a bumpersticker this morning that said "I break for homonyms."
At this Easter season, let's all remember that you can't spell "Christianity" without "insanity."
Kevin Sorbo's Twitter name is @KSorbs, which sounds like a Korean boy band's adult diaper.
Waiting for the press conference where Sacha Baron Cohen blames his interpreter.
I'm a little confused about what's about to get published. Why would Sacha Baron Cohen tell LSU coach Kim Mulkey to get naked for the NCAA tournament?
The commissioner of baseball should make like David Stern and send Shohei Ohtani off to play a season of minor league basketball until this blows over.
My uncle died doing what he loved best - owing everyone money.
I’m still mad at tongue depressors for taking away all my tongue's joy.
When I don't recognize the name in a movie credit that says ". . . as Himself," I don't know if I should be more embarrassed for me or for him.
There's only one lie a parent should ever tell their kids - that they'll never lie to them.
M&M’s announced that they’ll be making a special Easter M&M. Paradoxically, after the crucifixion, M&M's would have slipped right through Jesus' hands.
The Robert Kennedy, Jr./Aaron Rodgers campaign slogan should be "We Have No Shot At Winning".
A lifelike male robot was presented at a recent press conference. It immediately grabbed a female reporter's butt, making it the leading candidate to be Trump's running mate.
Reports are that Kimberly Guilfoyle is trying to break into modelling. Which is weird because it actually looks like she’s trying to break out of a crypt.
If you try hard enough, any bed can be a deathbed.
A typhoon is God giving the earth a wet willie.
I miss the old-fashioned way of hiring - A bloody hobo would limp into a small town, take the Help Wanted sign out of the shop's window, hand it to the owner, and say, "I'm your new barber."
The belly button is the peephole of the soul.
Half of Kid Rock's band has COVID. The other half has tone-deafness. And syphilis. And COVID.
Dust mites are my spirit animal.
The letter Y is the February 29th of vowels.
For someone who really seems to enjoy their job, I don’t know why the Reaper is always so grim.
My pet peeves have officially been classified as emotional support peeves.
Crossing my fingers that today is the day that somebody finally calls me a "real jazzbo".
"There Once Was A Man From Nantucket" is my favorite song about wiping off one's chin.
GET OUT OF THE HOUSE IMMEDIATELY! THE FOLK MUSIC IS COMING FROM UPSTAIRS!!
When tadpoles outgrow that childhood nickname, they want to be called "Thaddeus Poland".
I miss the '80s when all you had to do to be kind was rewind.
Tragedy + Time = Newsweek.
Is it just me, or are other people me, too?
Headline: Justin Bieber Tests Positive For COVID
Subheadline: COVID Tests Positive For Gonorrhea
I'm probably late to the party, but do people still say "late to the party"?
During this holiday season, let's keep the bris in brisket.
At this point, I'd be happy to settle for a near-life experience.
Call me old-fashioned, but I miss seeing little kids practicing throwing knives into the ground.
Worst humblebrag ever: "I was having a bad hair day in that New York Times photo when I was convicted of bestiality."
It seems like a Men Without Hats cover band would have to be called Men With Hats.
Toby Keith should have known better than to get the COVID vaccine last week.
If opossums could talk, I bet they'd sound just like Christopher Lloyd.
This country started its decline when middle-aged men stopped looking like Morey Amsterdam.
Just to see his orange head explode, E. Jean Carroll should offer to let Trump borrow a few million dollars.
Maybe Trump could get a loan from his successful businessman friend, the My Pillow guy.
When it came out that Aaron Rodgers said he believed that Sandy Hook was a staged government hoax, not one person said, "Hold on a second, that doesn't sound like him."
Definition of a fucking douchebag: Aaron Rodgers before March 13th.
Definition of a fucking asshole: Aaron Rodgers forever after March 13th.
It feels like we're just one news cycle away from Speaker of the House Mike Johnson saying that dinosaurs disappeared because they stopped believing in Jesus.
A rapist, a traitor, and a fraud walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What'll it be, Mr. Trump?"
No spoilers, but the moral of the story in Netflix’s “American Nightmare” is that no good can ever come from watching a Ben Affleck movie.
Because of the outcome of every Dallas Cowboys playoff game, it's really easy to keep up with the Jonses.
(I'm not always great at analogies, but) The Dallas Cowboys giving hope is to their fans like Lucy holding out the football is to Charlie Brown. Or maybe, the Dallas Cowboys are to fucking chokes like their fans are to fucking idiots. (I told you I'm not always great at analogies.)
I will give the Dallas Cowboys credit for one thing: I haven't felt this happy about a team losing in a long, long time.
First the Dallas Cowboys came for their preseason opponents, and I didn't say anything because it didn't affect me. Then they came for their regular season opponents, and I didn't say anything because it didn't affect me. Then they came for their playoff opponents, and I can't stop laughing.
On my own, I personally have as many 21st century playoff wins as the Dallas Cowboys. I am America's Mike!
It still believe that the Dallas Cowboys are just one draft pick away from choking in the first round of next year's playoffs.
Buck up, Dallas Cowboys fans. Next year, you'll win 13 games before you get embarrassed in the wildcard round.
I haven't seen Jerry Jones this mad since the Cowboys' last playoff game.
Maybe they're called "America's Team" because when an underdog led by a Black man beats them, an old white billionaire cries.
Every time the Cowboys lose a playoff game, an angel gets its wings.
I don't know which Jerry you could count on to cry more at the end of every big event: Lewis or Jones.
If you call yourself "America's Team," shouldn't at least one person outside of your home city be rooting for you?
You guys like impressions? Here's my impression of Elon Musk as the captain of the Titanic talking to passengers as it was sinking.
Elon Musk as the captain of the Titanic talking to passengers as it was sinking.
"That will be $100 more for the ocean view."
Thank you.
When someone won't have sex because they have a headache, it should be called a "mygroin headache." (If it's not totally clear, I just don't care any more.)
Yeah, but what the lamestream media refuses to report about Lauren Boebert being at the theater is that two sections over, a greased-up Hunter Biden was doggiestyling his laptop!
There was better acting in Lauren Boebert's clip than in Ashton Kutcher's, Mila Kunis', and Drew Barrymore's apology clips combined.
Red carpet interviewer before Beetlejuice: "Ms. Boebert, who are you wearing tonight?"
Lauren Boebert: "It's from the 99 Cent Store's Naughty Applebee's Hostess Halloween costume collection."
You have to give Ashton Kutcher, Mila Kunis, and Drew Barrymore credit for showing how to make the perfect anti-demo reel.
Only Lauren Boebert could make getting handjobs from a grandmother in a theater seem dirty.
When a bartender calls me "boss," I can never tell if I'm being respected or mocked.
Trashbag Lauren Boebert is the only person who treats serving in Congress as an audition for OnlyFans.
Every time I've heard Drew Barrymore speak, I think, "There's the entitled airhead in high school who feels victimized that everyone isn't voting for her for class president."
Thank God, I now have a reason based on morality to never watch Drew Barrymore, instead of the one I've been using for the last 25 years ("She's nauseating and talentless.").
With a quarterback rating of 39.6 in a big game, it’s nice to see that Aaron Rodgers is already in post-season form.
The five stages of grief:
1. Pudding
2. More pudding
3. Lots of pudding
4. Lots more pudding
5. Denial
Before I had a grandchild, I had no idea what swaddling clothes were. Now I have no idea why they don't come in adult sizes.
Back in the day, we didn't say, "He has big dick energy". We said, "What an asshole".
Just like adding "in bed" to the end of all the fortune cookies, we should add "AF" to the end of all the Ten Commandments.
As artists always say, "I didn't choose poverty. Poverty chose me."
This country lost something when 1st-graders stopped trick or treating as hobos, with charcoal briquettes rubbed on their face for stubble and dirt, and carrying a cigarette butt from Uncle Charley's ashtray in their mouths.
If it wasn't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. Just last month, I wrote on my vision board: "Change of career. Enroll in Oligarch classes."
I'm not an empath; I'm an enpath. Because I link a range of numbers and do not require a space on either side of me.
I don't know how they stay in business since there are always more dented boxes of Lucky Charms than there are customers in every Walgreens.
Of course angels aren't real, but if they were, they'd be cows.
I never feel so alone around so many people than in an REI.
And yet another lie our parents told us: There is NOT a law against sitting around all day feeling sorry for yourself.
I don't know why "yesterday", "today", and "tomorrow" are different words when they're all the same thing.
I have come here to chew bubblegum and post unfunny jokes, and I'm all out of bubblegum.
I'll gladly pay someone $100 to take my name, image, and likeness off my hands.
Now that I have my PhD in Fashion Design, you will call me Dr. Fancy Pants.
In the fish world, is buying your goldfish a treasure chest the same as buying your human friend a lottery ticket?
When I die, I want to be cremated and my ashes placed in a quinceanera pinata.
I'm absolutely convinced that in every Boston sports crowdshot from the early 1970's, there were at least three men and one woman who looked just like Killer Kowlaski.
This holiday season, remember to keep the Christ in "Christ almighty, Christians are even more annoying in December."
Meteorologists should only report the real temperature, not the "feels like" temperature, the snowflakes.
I'm microdosing Wayne by listening to Lil Wayne.
Michael Nesmith of The Monkees passed away today. I guess God needed some White-Out.
Fuck = Frankincense
Marry = Gold
Kill = Myrrh
I'm betting that when they announce the Most Popular Baby Names at the end of the year, at the very bottom of the girl's list will be "Ghislaine".
Given what would come next, you really have to love the sound of a mockingbird to hope that it will sing.
CNN: Bob Dole has passed away.
Me: Again?
More and more, the Supreme Court is acting like an inbred HOA Board.
This holiday season, let's all remember to keep the Christ in Christian Slater.
Remember the old do-it-yourself handyman adage: "Measure twice and cut your losses and call someone from Angie's List."
Is it okay to teach Constructive Critical Race Theory?
Now that men growing moustaches for Movember is over, welcome to Mercember, where women wear merkins to being attention to the fight against HPV.
I love this time of year when Pumpkin Spice Ivermectin is available everywhere.
Shrew rats are the Scottish soccer hooligans of rodents.
Shouldn't crochet be pronounced "crotch it"?
How soon before those wormy horses start hoarding all the ivermectin?
I wanted to go to the ballgame for 3 hours today, but my wife wanted to go to the Farmer's Market for an hour. So we compromised and went to the Farmer's Market for 3 hours.
I've never been able to milk a cow, so I know I won't be able to milk a crate.
If that guy down the street talks to me about his rain gauge one more time, I think I may have to go buy one.
Sirhan Sirhan. The assassin so nice, they named him twice.
It's extremely dangerous to summon the Candyman by saying his name 3 times in a row. Because diabetes is no laughing matter!
Scottie Pippen rents out his mansion so fans can watch Olympics from his pool. In related news, Dennis Rodman lets you listen to Colin Cowherd on the radio in the Volvo he sleeps in, and for a few extra cigarettes, he shows you where the abandoned horse trough is that he bathes in.
I asked my grandson "Who's going to grow up to be big and strong?" and his very first words ever were, "That question is a violation of my HIPAA rights."
Various Dunkin' Donuts jokes that are alternative names based on whatever the hell I was trying to accomplish here:
Tony Shalhoub = Monkin' Monuts
Religious woman's castrated relative = Nunkin' Nonuts
Jetsons' dog Astro's snack = Runkin' Ronuts
A monarch's sad testicles = Onekin' Woenuts
4-year-old son Guido's testicles-greeting = Youngkin' Yonuts
Bedridden, boyfriend testicles = Bunkin' Beaunuts
Throwing out the Prez's testicles = Junkin' Joenuts
Doofus with dragging testicles = Lunkin' Lownuts
Scuzzy, artificial testicles = Funkin' Fauxnuts
Sexy, promiscuous testicles = Hunkin' Hoenuts
Gourdy, impoverished testicles = Punkin' Ponuts
Drowning, stitched testicles = Sunkin Sewnuts
Canadian Dunkin' Donuts = Tim Hortons
Jeff Bezos returned to earth? Come on, black hole, you had one job!
Hey TSA, a little heads-up would have been nice that I can no longer bring my emotional support heroin on the plane!
It seems to me that Tweety Bird's "I tawt I taw a puddy tat" would be torn apart by any good District Attorney.
I learned the hard way back in college to never listen to any talking bodily fluids.
As I get older, I manage to be incredibly skinny yet still horribly flabby at the same time.
Is it asking for too much that just once I be hoist by someone else's petard?
I hope you and yours are all having a happy and holy Bobby Bonilla Day!
Since they seem to be fine with celebrating rapists who got off on a technicality, maybe the Lakers will now retire Bill Cosby's prison number.
The way dogs clean themselves can't be beat!
"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. A kick in the crotch makes your eyes real watery." Captain Lou AlGandhi
God is my co-pilot. And it feels like my flight has been cancelled.
I haven't been sleeping well lately. Looking back at it now, inventing that Nighttime Talking Wallpaper™ wasn't my best idea.
Two blank spaces can make all the difference. Psychotherapist = good. Psycho the rapist = bad.
You're probably not getting a raise this year if your performance review included the phrase "shallow grave."
Trust me, you don't want to see someone doing sign language for diarrhea.
Hey Madness, even in this crazy seller's market, I don't see how your house will get many offers since it's in the middle of your street.
Who cares about the Tour de France? If I wanted to watch a bunch of one-testicled guys doing drugs as they ride their bikes in circles, I'd watch the Jim Rose Circus.
To survive in my tough neighborhood, you needed a rottweilest.
God is my co-pilot. And it feels like my flight has been cancelled.
My weighted blanket is filled with all my unconfessed sins.
The secret UFO files will eventually show that the alien abductions are being done by Greys who are punishing the people who call them "Grays".
Economists are in unanimous agreement that the drastic downturn in the bobby pin sector is a direct result of my Mother passing away in 2020.
Brooke Shields' daughters and I were also twinning yesterday in that we all thought how embarrassing it is for someone to pretend that they're their daughters' age.
My rank-choiced voting:
3. The figure-four leglock.
2. The smell of gasoline.
1. "He only takes tips."
There's no such thing as a yes-or-no question to an Irishman.
I wish a Happy and Holy Prime Day to you and yours.
Ted Cruz is the only person who can somehow make reciting the Pledge of Allegiance seem like a traitorous act.
I'm not sure of much, but I do know for a fact that I'm heading in the opposite direction if your first sentence to me is, "Hi, I'm Lala."
It can't be a good sign that my Face ID only recognizes me when tears are pouring down my cheeks.
I've had a lot of time over the past 16 months to reflect on what I should really be doing with my life. So contact me if you ever need a freelance Blood Spatter Expert.
CNN reports that Ben Affleck expects to be fully reinstated as Bennifer in August.
On a purely selfish note, I'm glad we don't have to wear masks any more because now people can start complimenting me on my goatee of bees.
Redneck: "How come there ain't no Straight Pride Month?!"
Every TV Ad For The Last 40 Years: "Come on down to Ford Truck Month!"
I would like to thank everyone who calls themselves a "foodie" for making it easier for me to point out exactly what I mean by a "douchebag”.
My dog chewed up the pillow, so I have no idea what I'm supposed to do after I live and laugh.
We had been getting a lot of door-to-door salesmen lately, so instead of a "No Solicitors" sign, I put up a "Let Me Tell You Why I'm A Vegetarian" sign.
So, did Kyrie Irving not do enough stretching or not enough spiritual sage-smudging before game 4?
Coming up next on "Unsolved Mysteries": After 47 years, how is it possible that Steve Nash still hasn't found anyone who knows how to cut hair.
Today is Donald Trump's birthday, but what do you get the man who hates everything?
It's hard for me to watch hockey because I giggle every time they talk about scoring through the goalie's 5 hole.
If the van's a rockin',
It’s probably the struts.
I know a guy who can get them for you for free. But you'll have to have sex with him in the van.
As Matt Gaetz would say, "She's 18-years-old o'clock somewhere!"
Chipmunks are nothing more than squirrels with an attitude.
My imaginary friend just got vaccinated, and now all my imaginary bitcoins stick to him magnetically.
I'd love to get back to the good old days when a flag flying at half-mast meant that the town was suffering from a severe shortage of rope.
A group of Celtics is called a pride of Celtics, and a group of Nets is called a douche of Nets.
You all do what you want, but I can't sit here in good conscience and pretend it's normal that the Stanley Cup playoffs has a Clutterbuck and a Hellebuyck playing in it.
To be played during the 7th year itch:
"Sweet Calomine
Lo-o-tion
Scratching never felt so good."
(I'm very sorry for this.)
I better start living it up soon because otherwise, my most scandalous deathbed confession will be that I never knew even one Beyoncé song.
Kyrie Irving's origin story is that he was bitten by a radioactive douchebag.
I just took the "Which Friends Reunion Character Are You?" quiz, and I'm Paul Rudd because I didn't watch it either.
I need to do this once a year, just to cleanse my palate:
In every facet of his personal and professional life, Alex Rodriguez is a piece of fucking shit.
Thank you for your time.
It feels like me falling hard for the Celtics this year based on last year's promises was just a very special episode of "Catfish."
What I learned watching HBO Max this weekend:
It's okay that Ross slept with and killed Erin McMinaminamoniminamonimin on "Mare of Easttown" because he and Rachel were on a break.
You don't think I'm old? Just sit back and watch me have a 20-minute conversation with a complete stranger about the weather.
Now that I'm starting to see people again, I don't want to sound out-of-date. So can I still say that things are "fire," "lit A F," and "slap?" Or should I just speak like a normal human being?
It's so obvious that the killer in "Mare Of Easttown" is Leland Palmer.
It's puke o'clock somewhere!
I'm working my way up to conquering Mount Everest. But first, Mount Ever, then Mount Everer.
Me: Aimee co-founded the band 'Til Tuesday in Boston in the 1980's, and they had a big hit with "Voices Carry." She's won 2 Grammys and is married to Sean Penn's brother. She was also in "The Big Lebowski" as the nihilist whose baby toe got cut off.
My wife: Stop Mannsplaining.
I went to a fight the other night, and a no-hitter broke out.
If I could say just one thing in person to Bob Dylan on his 80th birthday today, it would be, "Could you please repeat that?"
Next time I'm at the coffee shop and am about to dunk my cruller, I want everyone there to yell, "In the hole!"
And imagine how good Phil Mickelson would be if he didn't have to use those clubs that face the wrong way.
I just got my first-ever hearing aids, so two things:
1) I can now hear all the crap you're muttering about me under your breath, so you better watch your ass because
2) I also just got my first-ever machete.
Thoughts and prayers, Rick Santorum, for being fired from CNN for your racist comments. I hope the GOP in your state hasn't eviscerated the unemployment benefits.
In exchange for her testimony, the Feds will help Matt Gaetz’s ex-girlfriend prep for her junior high school arithmetic final.
In a brochure warning about salmonella, the CDC urges against kissing and snuggling poultry.
Even if we're both wearing masks?
In a brochure warning about salmonella, the CDC urges against kissing and snuggling poultry.
Then why does the brochure have such a thirst trap of a picture?!
In a brochure warning about salmonella, the CDC urges against kissing and snuggling poultry.
If I've said it once, I've said it a million times: Keep the government out of my bedroom!
In a brochure warning about salmonella, the CDC urges against kissing and snuggling poultry.
That talking chicken is a liar!
In a brochure warning about salmonella, the CDC urges against kissing and snuggling poultry.
I have a feeling that the only group that really needs this warning is the same group that ignored every earlier CDC guideline.
In a brochure warning about salmonella, the CDC urges against kissing and snuggling poultry.
For those of us not originally from the South, the salmonella thing is way down on the list of reasons why we wouldn't fuck a goose.
In a brochure warning about salmonella, the CDC urges against kissing and snuggling poultry.
I already got that message loud and clear from my quail hooker's pimp.
In a brochure warning about salmonella, the CDC urges against kissing and snuggling poultry.
Sadly, my squab prostitute is all business, so it doesn't let me kiss or cuddle it anyway.
In a brochure warning about salmonella, the CDC urges against kissing and snuggling poultry.
Just so I'm 100% clear, "urging" is not the same as making illegal, right? Fool me twice . . .
In a brochure warning about salmonella, the CDC urges against kissing and snuggling poultry.
When having sex with poultry is outlawed, only outlaws will have sex with poultry.
In a brochure warning about salmonella, the CDC urges against kissing and snuggling poultry.
First they came for our poultry, and I said nothing. Next, they'll come for our sheep.
Hey, Sisterhood, if you're at all curious about where your traveling pants originated, send the jeans to www.Pantcestry.com.
Please sign my petition at MoveOn to have the National Weather Service officially call every torrential downpour a Gorilla Monsoon.
Matt Gaetz is starting a website called 17andMe.
My wife asked me to do a lot of landscaping in the backyard for her new garden. Now, after 7 straight hours of digging, I realize that she's actually having me dig my own grave.
Friend: I just watched "Rashomon".
Me: Never saw it, but you should check out "Nomohsar".
I assume it's safe by now to pry that gun from Charlton Heston's hands?
Here's an interesting Dogcoin cryptocurrency fact: You'll go broke within one year of investing in dogcoin, but it will feel like it took seven years.
Here's an interesting Dogcoin cryptocurrency fact: Just like their most famous investor Elon Musk, dogcoins spend half the day licking their own balls.
The CDC finally admitted that Gump Worsley was right.
Ellen DeGeneres announced that she's ending her TV show so that she can spend more time at home being abusive to her household staff.
My mind literally explodes when someone misuses the word "mind".
Since the plural of foot is feet, shouldn't the plural of poop be peep?
(Note: I will lose all respect for anyone who laughs at this.)
The good news is that the world is my oyster. The bad news is that I'm deathly allergic to oysters.
Sad to hear about the passing of both Tawny Kitaen and the Obama's dog Bo, And with similar celebrity deaths usually coming in threes, I'd be very careful if I were Jessica Rabbit.
It's very simple. Even a horse that wins the Kentucky Derby should not be kissing a sleeping Snow White.
I know I'm not good at the new math, but isn't 23 and me just 24?
Great job by Twitter and Facebook to ban Trump's posts. Now let's hope that they ban everyone who pretends to like a celebrity's pottery because they think they'll get a production deal.
Me: I'd like to get a wake-up call please.
Life: You've been posting on Twitter for almost 10 years and have 87 followers.
Me: Thank you.
I'm not really up on all the gender and sexual identity designations, but wouldn't a reverse cowgirl just be a cowboy?
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a tape measure, and he'll bother his wife for a lifetime.
I remember when you only got cancelled in Hollywood if Ted McGinley joined your show.
We just found out that snails have eaten all my wife's brussels sprouts plants in the backyard. So for just the second time in my life, I'd like to say, thank you, snails!
The WWE should reintroduce their first Indian-descent WWE Champion by having him jump out of a mysterious box and calling it a Jinder Reveal.
I think the NFL draft should be run like gender reveal parties. It would be great to hear their fans booing as the New York Jets accidentally set their number 1 pick on fire.
I was off the grid for the last few days. Anyone know where I went in the NFL draft?
I, too, have been badly affected by these torrential Spring rains, as my outdoor cotton candy sculptures have been dramatically compromised!
Please donate to my GoFundMe account so that I can start a new career as an Ice Cream Cone Repairman.
Whenever it rains and someone says, "That's God crying," I say, "I'll give Him something to cry about!"
Maybe John Kruk was just really good at the hidden ball trick.
I think the male equivalent of a "Karen" should be called a "Tucker."
I forgive you for never repaying that money you borrowed from me. Willem Dafoe, you're now my Willem Dafriend.
It's true that Cleanliness is next to Godliness, but only when they line up according to height.
I am outraged that last night's Oscar In Memoriam tribute did not include my chance of ever having 100 Twitter followers.
Much like a seasoned drunk who won't go out partying on New Year's Eve and St. Patrick's Day because of all the amateurs, I can't wait until the pandemic is over, so the newbies will be meeting in person and leaving the masturbating during a videoconference to us pros!
Hey Febreze, get back to me when you come up with a "Packed like sardines, walking down the long, windowless, indoor, concrete ramps after beating the Lakers in June when it's over 100 degrees inside the old Boston Garden" scent.
I'm not so much of a "How did your projects go today, Mike?" type of guy as I am a "How did your naps go today, Mike?" type of guy.
I hugged my Mom for the first time in over a year this morning. Not because of the pandemic, but because that woman can really hold a grudge.
He'd be alive today if Walter Mondale had just complied with the Minnesota police officer's commands.
When you're trying to figure out why insane things happen in Texas, just remember that there, Matthew McConaughey is considered smart.
Walter Mondale took his last breath yesterday in Minnesota. Anyone know if Derek Chauvin has an alibi?
I'm sure it's just a coincidence that as soon as Chrissy Teigen rejoined Twitter, Twitter kept trying to commit suicide.
Hey Elon Musk, I'm ready to sell my NFT odor of a vampire musician blowing a cosplay astronaut who's made out of bitcoin shadows. CryptoPal me 6 million Tethereums and it's all yours.
No cops!
As soon as he heard there was going to be a 3-way, Jerry Falwell Jr. immediately ordered WrestleMania.
When Hulk Hogan came out at WrestleMania dressed as a pirate and did the ear-cupping thing, am I the only one who wished he really was a pirate with a hook for a hand?
COVID-19 has changed the way I know how stupid some people are.
According to Matt Gaetz, "Venmo" is short for "I've giVEN MOre money to teenage prostitutes than you can imagine."
Bad Bunny? "What's he do? Nibble your bum?"
During the WrestleMania women's tag team match, when the announcers said "She's now legal," Matt Gaetz changed the channel.
I wish everyone a happy and holy WrestleMania weekend!
Even though I only got 2 of the 3 questions right, I was still allowed to cross the bridge because my troll grades on a curve.
Prince Phillip passed away at 99 years old. And let that be a lesson to anyone else who's thinking about messing with Oprah's friends!
Prince Phillip passed away. And to that, I say, "Again?"
He'd be alive today if Prince Philip had just complied with the officer's command.
The other day, I danced like nobody was watching. But apparently the cops were. Long story short, you're not allowed to dance in a Furry outfit at a children's petting zoo.
Knowing how tough it can be to get accepted if you wait too long, I just signed my 2-year-old up for Alcoholics Anonymous. I figure he has a pretty good chance to get in since he's a Legacy.
"Godzilla vs. Kong" is so long that if they were major league ballplayers, their final fight would have started at second base.
Trying to convince myself that in some cultures, when you piss near a donkey that laughs at your penis, it's considered good luck.
If you don't have at least two dozen more online feuds going on now than you did a year ago, you're not doing this pandemic right.
Georgia recently passed a law to suppress the minority vote. In reply, Major League Baseball said, "To protest this immoral law, we will not hold our All Star game in the state." While The Masters said, "Hold my hood."
Me: "You're no better than me!" (Yelling out the car window just after yelling "Moo" at a cow and getting the silent treatment in return.)
The Winklevoss twins just became billionaires. Thank God, our long national nightmare is finally over.
I tried to go to church on Good Friday, but there was sign on the door that said "Closed Due To A Death In The Family."
.
When mysterious wounds suddenly appear on a female spy's hands and feet, it's called Stigmata Hari.
"Hannah Montana" sounds like a 1970's female jobber from the Helena Valley Championship Wrestling territory.
SPOILER ALERT: Godzilla and King Kong didn't get enough hugs growing up.
Goodbye, Spring Training.
Hello, scratching your crotch when it counts in the standings.
I hope you like second place, Bon Jovi, because I just rocked my one million and first face.
Not everyone's life can be judged at the end as a "roaring success," and I'm okay with mine being called a "cautionary tale."
I realize now that a testicle is a lot more test than tickle.
Is "California sober" like "Kentucky virginity?"
My 4-year-old neighbor has an old soul, in that he smokes cigars and is a bitter racist.
Lil Nas X is selling a Satanic-based sneaker. Maybe I'm in the minority here, but I kind of like the fact that Satan favors casual footwear over stodgy dress shoes.
Lil Nas X is selling a Satanic-based sneaker. I cried because I had no sneakers until I saw a Satan that had hooved feet.
I never feel like more of a man and less of a man at the same time as when I spend half an hour at Home Depot.
Did you know that in Mar-a-Lago, there are over 300 words for "snow job?"
Now maybe everyone will understand why the Panama Canal got that cool palindrome written about it, and all the stupid Suez Canal got was: Zeus, no tide net safe soon; a noose fastened it on Suez.
And to make matters even worse for those living next to the Suez Canal, the ship right behind the stuck one has a Boston captain who's just been leaning on his horn for the last 5 days.
I bet if a runner started telling the boat all about their training regiment, it would excuse itself and leave the canal in a minute.
Maybe the Suez Canal had previously been tweeting crap about the Ever Given, so that's why the ship decided to block it.
My uncle died doing what he did best: using the wrong safe word.
I don't need a weighted blanket. Whenever I'm in bed, I'm always weighed down by my Catholic Guilt.
Just spitballing here, but maybe put a giant baby in the Suez Canal for a bath, and let it slap-splash the boat out?
Reading about Chrissy Teigen quiting Twitter made me think of the old saying
"Don't cry because it's over,
Smile because it's over."
Oh no, Chrissy Teigen quit Twitter. Now how will I know what to think about everything?!
I'm a Pfizer, but my wife's a Moderna, so I'm afraid our kids will get bullied at school.
I don't know what the right number is, but ten toes is at least two too many.
Every time I mow the lawn, I feel like I'm my Mom giving the Earth a homemade haircut.
I suppose it's better than using real feces, but still, shampoo?
This last year has been off just enough that it feels like a meal that was secretly cooked by a vegan.
Shakira's hips are admissible as an Expert Witness in a court of law.
I've never understood hating a person because of the color of their skin. Because if you peel everyone's skin away, we're all the same: dead.
For the record, I just trademarked the following joke, so whenever the star of "Hillbilly Elegy" needs a rectal procedure, I have dibs on it:
"Well, it's like they always say: Keep your Glenn Close and your enemas closer."
Kellyanne Conway's untalented daughter advanced on "American Idol". Dammit, another bracket busted!
It's too early to publish the final results of my dissertation ("Is Name Predestination? From Axel to Zoink."), but it looks like if you give your child a name with an "l" or "k" in it, they're over 60% more likely to end up being traveling rodeo clowns.
"Here's a picture of me getting my COVID shot at the clinic" is this year's version of 2019's "Here's a picture of me having a ham sandwich at the Atlanta airport."
I should have known that my clownfish was really a mimefish when I saw it doing that trapped in an invisible box thing.
I don't care how things shake out when this is over, I will NOT go back to my pre-pandemic routine of sleeping only 12 hours a day!
When I saw "Snyder cut" trending, I wondered why everyone was all of a sudden rewatching "The Tomorrow Show's" circumcision episode.
Its clearer than ever that Jill Biden is more of a doctor than Rand Paul will ever be.
When Rand Paul’s next-door neighbor goes on trial for beating the shit out of him, he should just play Paul's exchanges with Dr. Fauci and plead Justifiable Douchebagicide.
It's so cool that the word "mime" has a silent "e."
I just figured out how to keep all my readers in suspense.
My neighbor is very competitive about his lawn. So after he saw me pushing my mower around for 2 hours this morning, he went out and spent 3 hours mowing his. But the joke's on him because I removed my mower blades beforehand just to punk him. So who looks stupid now, Kevin?!
Coincidentally, interest rates and my interest in interest rates are both at an all-time low.
I hate being called lazy. Instead, please call me a juggernaut of lethargy.
I can't wait until we get back to when the proper reaction to "He tested positive" is "What a slut!"
If you use all 5 of your senses every day, you're just a greedy pig.
Sitting all alone in my backyard now, just hoping to get bitten by a radioactive extrovert.
If Twitter had an Edit button, I'd post something truly despicable. Then after lots of people disagreed, I'd go back and change my original post to something positive so that everyone who disagreed looked like jerks. But, hey, that's just me. I'm a Communications Facilitator.
My delusions are real, and they're spectacular!
They say that to be successful, you should write what you know. So here goes:
- The square root of 49 is 7
- Ball don't lie
- Kevin
No surprise that Burt Ward won the role of Robin over his clumsy brother Awk Ward.
When a hooker has her second client of the day, does that make her a retailer?
A-Rod and J.Lo realized that sometimes it's just too hard to overcome punctuational differences.
Sad news that A-Rod and J.Lo just split up. I mean, if a narcissistic former Fly Girl and an egomaniacal playoff choker can't make it, what chance do the rest of us have?
I just read that A-Rod and J.Lo split up. I wonder who'll get possession of the HEY, LOOK AT ME!?
I just read that J.Lo dumped A-Rod. And since she cut him during Spring Training, she doesn't have to pay him for the season.
I get that He rests on the 7th day, but if you claim that you're doing the Lord's work on days 1 through 6, aren't you really saying that He's either lazy or incompetent?
Hey Twitter, I'm totally down with you banning racists and people promoting violence. Now could you please do me a solid and also ban anyone who posts the hand-clapping emoji between every fucking word? Thank you much!
If the Royal Family really isn't racist, why haven't I ever seen any of them taking a knee during the National Anthem?
It doesn't mean I'll make a bad grandfather just because when my wife said she made a crib sheet for the upcoming grandkid, I said that was good because everyone needs some cheat notes to get through life. How was I supposed to know that she actually made a sheet for his crib?
But you know what country is even better? Switzestland.
Everyone's porn star name should be my first name combined with my last name.
The comparative stages of the dialogue of the parents of the guy who played Batman on TV before, during, and after sex:
Wood
Wetter
West
I know that we're living in extremely divisive times, so if taking the following stand costs me friends or even gets me fired, so be it. I don't care what the science or experts say, I will never use mulch around a newly planted tree.
On their deathbed, nobody is going to say, "I wish I had spent less time with my family and more time bingeing The Office."
I just saw a headline that the Royals don't want any Blacks around them. So is it any wonder that they came in next-to-last in the American League Central?
Just let this percolate for a second before you make a decision: Seeing Eye Kangaroos.
As near as I can tell, Romania's leading export is the undead.
After a lifetime of wearing only briefs, I tried boxers this morning, and within 10 minutes of putting them on, I was looking for the manual's Troubleshooting chapter.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: I repeat myself too often.
If I'm trying to imagine how 7 guys can sexually satisfy 22 women, does that make me pi curious?
I think the cancel culture's next move should be cancelling student debt!
(How's that for combining 2 things I know almost nothing about and making it seem like I'm taking a principled stand?)
I haven't laughed so hard in a long time as when I kept hearing them say "working members of the Royal Family."
After Harry said that his and Meghan's situation has turned out great, Oprah blew it when she didn't say, "So you made a great deal."
The big takeaway is that Meghan Markle is one shitty actress.
Hey everyone. My password for every account on every device is "IDon'tGiveAFuckAboutMeghan,Harry,OrEspeciallyOprah" (case-sensitive).
Knock yourselves out!
I wonder if at the end of the interview, Oprah is going to tell Meghan to check under her mattress for a pea.
Overhead at the doctor's office on this combined HPV Awareness Day and National Grammar Day: "Being subjected to this cold speculum is the type of disrespect up with which I shall not put."
Turns out The Kinks were singing about Lola Bunny.
Next NFL season, the players should take a knee during "Wet-Ass Pussy".
"Your pronouns are what's in your pants." But how do I know what pronouns Inspector #4 is?
Today is HPV Awareness Day, but I'm still writing Chlamydia Independence Day on my checks
I just read that today is HPV Awareness Day. Come on, aren’t we reminded about the Kardashians enough?
Some men see things as they are and ask "Why?" But most men see things are they are and explain why.
My French poodle always pees his name in the snow in Monotype Corsiva. Which looks confusing since his name is Garamond.
MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell had his mic muted at CPAC for spouting vaccine and election conspiracies. I would have gladly muted him by holding my pillow over his face for 30 minutes.
So now maybe Potato Head won't be such a mansplainer!
Taking a cue from the old Mr. Potato Head, the band Mr. Mister will know be known as .
Is it possible to deadname a vegetable?
Let this be a lesson to all of you who laughed at me over the years for hoarding Potato Head penises and vaginas.
Now that Mrs. Potato Head is gender-neutral, I guess you could say she got her tubers tied.
God made Mr. Potato Head and Eve, not Potato Head and Eve!
Thanks, Hasbro! Now I have to worry about my daughter taking a shit next to a gender-neutral potato at her kindergarten.
Oddly, Rich Little is one of the few people who doesn't suffer from Imposter Syndrome.
I'm so glad the election is over so I don’t have to hear about COVID any more.
Now that I'm 65, I really enjoy starting every sentence with "Now that I'm 65."
Before Twitter existed, when media-whore celebrities got divorced, had to go to rehab, or got caught breaking the law, how did they pretend to ask us to respect their privacy?
An Attorney General and a Lieutenant Governor might be a big deal in government, but the most important person in an abattoir is a Sergeant Slaughter.
If it's true that "Stanley Tucci broke the Internet by making a cocktail", I'm guessing the Internet was already in hospice care.
Is a small soup tureen called a soup tourette?
Soup, poop, shit, fuck, cock.
The New York Times reported that a 2-year-old was punched in the face by a stranger on the subway: But are we sure it was really a 2-year-old? Maybe Rick Moranis was back in town.
I day-traded tweets all last week and now I’m totally broke.
Do the young 'uns still say, "That's my jam"? If so, here's my joke:
Smuckers, that's my jam.
(If not, that's okay because I really do like Smuckers.)
.
Well at least we've been spared photos of Ted Cruz frolicking on the beach in his swim trunks and white hood.
To commemorate the passing of Rush Limbaugh, all my opinions will be flown at half-assed.
In tribute to the late Rush Limbaugh, I'm pouring out a 40 ouncer of street OxyContin.
With Rush Limbaugh dying today, I have a feeling they passed out brand new Org Charts in Hell.
Instead of mocking Rush Limbaugh's passing, let's offer thoughts and prayers to the one person who's most hurt by this - his OxyContin dealer.
To honor Rush Limbaugh, until further notice, all Mar-a-Lago swastikas will be flown at half-mast.
Now that Missogynist America Rush Limbaugh has passed away and can no longer fulfill his evil duties, first runner-up Sean Hannity will officially be wearing the MAGA crown.
“Rush Limbaugh Passes Away”.
Okay, so NOW is racism dead?
Like Mayors from the cities of opposing Super Bowl teams, Chuck Schumer and Mitch McConnell probably have a bet on the outcome of the Senate trial. McConnell will have to wear a "Nevertheless, She Persisted" hat, and Schumer will have to wear a "I Am A Very Stable Genius" cap.
To paraphrase Ronald Reagan, “I didn't leave the Party In My Pants, the Party In My Pants left me”.
You'll have to wait awhile to hear from me about the Zoom lawyer who looked like a cat and the Weeknd running around looking lost at halftime. I'm still working on a hilarious joke about the Vice-Presidential debate. Did anyone else notice that a fly landed on Mike Pence's head?!
One bright side to washing my hands a thousand times a day is that I bet my fingerprints no longer match the ones in the FBI's database.
The first time a kid was named Christopher, you know everyone named Christoph felt inferior. And right now, every Christopher is dreading the arrival of the first Christophest.
Opening tomorrow is Impeachment 2: Electric Boogaloo Boys.
Trust me on this - A trampoline is a lot more tramp than Pauline.
The definition of insanity is constantly telling people the definition of insanity over and over and expecting people to pretend they haven't already heard it hundreds of times.
Leon Spinks, Christopher Plummer, and Cicely Tyson all pass away within a week of each other. RIP to three of Muhammad Ali's toughest opponents.
I'm no longer playing catch with my dog. He shook me off 4 times, then crossed me up by throwing high heat when I called for a curve.
I'm thinking this is a red flag: My girlfriend's tramp stamp is actually a tattoo of a hobo.
You all are going to owe a bunch of apologies when it comes out that Armie Hammer has just been doing research to star in "Save Room For Dessert: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story."
The Philadelphia Eagles are so dysfunctional that the band the Eagles feels bad for them.
It's feeling more and more like the state of Texas is bring represented by thousands of rabid bats in a Ted Cruz costume.
I hope the Getaway Car Driver Hornets realize that, legally, they're just as culpable as the Murder Hornets.
I've yet to meet the TSA agent who can show me where it says that I'm not allowed to board a plane with bees in my underpants.
It's hard to believe that it's been 30 years since three decades ago.
I still haven't figured out one good reason why I even know who Chrissy Teigen is.
A guy a couple of streets over wearing a "Praise Jesus" t-shirt just seriously introduced himself to me as "Rambo." I'm thinking we won't be close friends.
You will have a happy and beautiful life if you find a partner who loves you as much as my wife loves Ted Danson.
Reason #7659 that I love my wife: I saw a picture of myself today and told my wife that I have really thin lips. She said that's because they're always running.
King Kong and Godzilla again? Geez, guys, get a room!
It's really sad that Hank Aaron and Larry King just passed away, but it would be absolutely tragic if either of them played 4, 26, 42, 50 and 60, with a Mega Ball of 24.
If I were the person who just won $1,000,000,000 in last night's Mega Millions lottery, the first thing I'd do is buy 1,000,000,000 scratcher tickets. You can't win if you don’t play!
Rumor is that President Biden is going to pardon Lady Gaga for her inauguration outfit.
Every time Ted Cruz smiles, an angel sobs.
He really dodged a sartorial faux pas at the inauguration when Garth Brooks decided not to wear the same outfit as Lady Gaga.
Life's too short for tall people.
Wait a second here? Why am I just finding out now that I voted for a guy whose middle name is "Robinette"?!
A Latino, a Black, and a Jew walk into the Senate. And the joke's on Mitch McConnell.
I just realized from seeing it that I absolutely would fight a revolution against all drum and fife music.
Come on now. I get that it's Inauguration Day, but should that really overshadow that today is the palindromic date 1-20-21?
Is it too early to ask President Biden for my pardon?
When he left the White House for the final time, they should have made Mike Pence call an Uber.
Seeing Kellyanne Conway’s "You're lucky I didn't kill my asshole daughter" video makes Alec Baldwin’s "My daughter is a rude pig" tape seem almost like a Parent Of The Year acceptance speech.
Can Donald Trump collect unemployment now?
Now that he’s moved out, I can’t imagine that Donald Trump's getting his security deposit back.
Do you think that Mike Pence realizes that every person speaking at the inauguration today is telling him in thinly veiled code to go fuck himself?
Little girls all over America are watching the inauguration and are encouraged to realize that they can one day grow up to be an ex-Fly Girl who has a fake relationship with a baseball playoff choker.
Am I the only one expecting Kanye West to bumrush the stage during Joe Biden’s inauguration speech?
I've had some time to think about it now, and I'm just not sure that this Donald Trump guy will make a good president.
To show just how "street" I am, I will now refer to something that amazes me as a "ding dang thing thang." Feel free to do the same.
I'm 65 years old now, and I've never seen a truck commercial that made any sense to me.
A lot of us might have different definitions of what an "asshole" is, but I think we can all agree that anyone who says "copy that" is a dink.
It was just announced that Jennifer Lopez and Lady Gaga will be singing at the inauguration next week. Good God, hasn't DC suffered enough already?
If I had known that Joe Biden was going to have Jennifer Lopez and Lady Gaga sing at his inauguration, I might have more seriously considered pulling the Kanye West lever.
I know that being impeached 2 times seems like a lot, but really, it's only 2 more times than I've been impeached.
Impeachment 2. One of the few sequels I'm happy got made.
Just 8 more impeachments and Donald Trump’s 11th one is free.
Trust me on this - A cockpit is a lot more cock than pit.
Me (channeling that inner Sally Filed we all have):
“This impeachment means so much more to me this time. The first time, I barely felt it because it was all so new. But this time I feel it. And I can't deny the fact that we hate you, Donald Trump. Right now, we really hate you!”
This one's really going to hurt him: It was just announced that Donald Trump has been banned from FarmersOnly.com.
Checking out the NFL playoff schedule, it looks like the Patriots have a bye right through the end of the Super Bowl, when after the game, they will be awarded the Lombardi Trophy once again. GO PATS!
Coors Light may be the official drink of taking your bra off at the end of the day, but Jack Daniel's is the official drink of me taking my pants off at the back of the bus.
I've tried. God knows I've tried. But I just don’t get the actress in the ATT commercials.
Any truth to the rumor that Mike Pence fled the Capitol so quickly during the riots because a woman approached him without a chaperone?
Ted Cruz's Dad: “According to Donald Trump, I was responsible for assassinating a president.”
Ted Cruz: “In the name of President Trump, I was responsible for the killing of 5 people at the US Capitol, including a Capitol policeman. Will you hug me now, Daddy?”
It’s been reported that Pro-Trump rioters smeared human waste in U.S. Capitol hallways during the mob attack. The feces were sent away to 23andme, and the report came back that they're all 100% Nazis.
Today's birthdays: Elvis Presley David Bowie Kim Jong-un.
So take that, people who say there's nothing to astrology!
That new "Omen" poster is really scary. Oh wait, that was just a picture of Senator Josh Hawley.
When people talk about our "greater angels," it makes me curious about who all the asshole angels are.
Sure, the violent traitors took government property, but at least they didn't take a knee.
Once Representative Jim Jordan is fully briefed on what's happening at the Capitol, he'll deny he was ever told.
Once Senator Susan Collins is fully briefed on what's happening at the Capitol, she'll hope that Donald Trump learns from it.
With them getting a divorce, I'm sure it's a tough time for Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. But if their history has taught us anything, you can be sure that they will deal with this in their usual dignified and private manner.
Now that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are getting a divorce, I wonder who'll get custody of the "No, look at ME!"
So far, 2021 feels like we bought what was advertised as a Newly Remastered Director's Cut, but is nothing more than a bunch of unused 2020 outtakes.
Fishes and loaves? Way to NOT be inclusive to carnipollotarians, Jesus!
A Donald Trump supporter always has either a tinfoil hat or a Guilfoyle rat.
Doesn't Jared Kushner look like he smells like an old construction boot fart?
Money can't buy happiness. But it can buy Ted Cruz. Which proves that it can't buy happiness.
The Vegas line is 42 in the "How often does Chris Christie have to call a plumber to unclog his toilet every month?" bet. Take the over.
I know Kimberly Guilfoyle catches a lot of heat, but she really should be commended for her recent Locks Of Love donation: 4 wigs that were made entirely out of her shaven back hair.
The last 4 years so blurred the line between what is and isn’t acceptable that I came very close to posting this:
"Pistachios? They taste more like shittachios!"
Luckily, I decided not to.
Hey, 2020, I'm still waiting for my apology.
Will someone please remove the hair above the peepers on the Jack Haley "Wizard Oz" character using a type of thin sewing yarn so I can make a joke about threading on tin eyes. Thank you much!
Sure, he was an evil psychotic, but at least the Nashville bomber didn't use Mrs. Miller's version of "Downtown."
I bet that a rainbow's fart smells great.
People throw around the word "hero" pretty loosely nowadays, but it accurately describes the first person who said "built like a brick shithouse."
As is his holiday custom, Donald Trump is spending Christmas on the golf course looking for the real killer.
If you say "Pump the brakes" instead of "Hold your horses," get off my front lawn, you punk!
Jupiter and Saturn are closer tonight than they have been in centuries, and you can cut the sexual tension with a knife.
It's already easier for me to remember what pronouns to use for Eddie Izzard than it is for me to remember how to pronounce her last name.
It's been reported that a Russian opposition leader was almost killed when poison was applied to his boxer shorts. Proving once again that the way to a man's death is through his underpants.
The first Christmas card I got this year set the new record at 1, and every card since is ensuring that the "Mentions Of 'Dumpster Fire' In A Year-end Religious Holiday Greeting" is a record that will never be broken.
Human colostomy bag Ted Cruz is the type of guy who would use the female voice on his GPS so he could pay it less.
Ben Carson announced that he wants to start a Think Tank. But maybe he should start a little smaller by opening a Befuddlement Thimble.
The most unused technology ever developed has got to be the HootersFoodToGo app.
Pan Pan the Panda recently passed away in China. I bet Pan Pan the Panda had the world’s most unimaginative parents.
As long as Earth doesn't literally explode into a billion pieces next year, 2021 is a shoo-in to win The Comeback Year Of The Year Award.
So is Julius Erving now supposed to be called Kiddo J?
Some men see things as they are and ask "Why?"
But most men see things are they are and explain why.
The most surprising thing about The Jetsons isn't that dogs can talk in 2062, it's that we still have such a long way to go in the field of Canine Speech Therapy.
Not that it would ever happen, but exactly how are you supposed to boo Bruce Springsteen?
It was really nice of the “Saturday Night Live” audience to acknowledge the great Orioles 1st baseman of the 60’s and 70’s during Bruce Springsteen’s performances.
The first time that John Kasich, Antony Blinken, and Sleepy Joe Biden get together, I call dibs on making the first Winking, Blinken, and Nod joke.
If you really value your privacy, don't name your daughter Casey, Kaylie, or Kyla, because you will eventually end up having to talk to Dateline’s Keith Morrison.
I hope to be tomorrow years old when I finally figure out what "today years old" means.
I'm not a hero just because I didn't post any Thanksgiving jokes about turkeys and Trump and pardons. I'm a hero because I didn't like any posts that did.
I just figured out how to shave a bunch of strokes off my golf score. I gave it up.
If someone says to you "I need to speak my truth", take a big step back because their nose is about to start growing.
Want to know how strong your relationship is? After you see yourself in the mirror, tell your wife that you think you look good enough to hang out with 007 Daniel Craig and his buddies. If she laughs for less than 5 minutes, she really loves you.
Rudy Giuliani has tested positive for COVID-19. But he told the cops that the virus swore it was COVID-over-21.
Rudy Giuliani has tested positive for COVID-19, proving that the virus can go from bat to human and back to bat again.
Loving the latest Wu-Tang Clan/Dunkin Donuts collaboration: the Ghostface Crullah.
This morning, my wife said that every day would be a success if I accomplish just one thing. So today was a success because I accomplished remembering that she said it.
It makes perfect sense that the inventor of My Pillow isn't woke.
My proposal for one of those "Our home has a problem" Geico ads:
Homeowners: "We love our new home, but the neighbors' kids' balls keep rolling into the yard."
Cut to: Doctor scooping up objects in a basket from the homeowners' yard.
Closeup on Dr.'s labcoat logo: "Goat Castration Clinic".
Just let this percolate for a second before you make a hasty decision: Adult diapers made out of Legos.
I don't know why, but when I see a parked car backed into a driveway, I think a rich person lives there.
Please don't bother me for an hour. I have to sit very still and very naked in the backyard while the Jewish Space Laser manscapes my private parts.
I can't wait until this pandemic is over so I can go back to never washing my hands again.
Remember, what doesn't kill you makes you weaker and more susceptible to dying from the next thing.
Some men aren't sure how the alphabet ends and ask "Y?" I am sure how the alphabet ends and say "Y Z."
The Republicans were right: Joe Biden has been President for only two weeks, and already nobody is saying "Merry Christmas".
It feels like Aaron Paul's middle name should be a comma.
Fee-fi-fo-fum.
I smell the blood of an Englishman.
So I know I don't have COVID.
My friend is really depressed because he's been in traction for 2 weeks after messing up his back sneezing. But I told him that God will never give him more than he can handle me making fun of.
Some men see things as they are and ask "Why?"
Why?
It's killing me that I can't figure out a joke about a mohel and the tip of the iceberg.
I've received so many emails from Jon Ossoff asking for money that I'm starting to think he may not be eligible to hold office because he's really a Nigerian Prince.
I'll never understand why an otherwise normal psychotic killer always seems to wear a white shirt and use a dribble glass when drinking his victim's blood.
I just heard someone say they wanted to be a Wedding Planner. Wedding Planner isn't a career: Wedding Planner is a mental illness.
I've always thought I'd be good at the airhorn. Tonight, the whole neighborhood finds out if I'm right.
If I were Vanilla Ice, I'd always wear a mask in public. Not because of COVID, but because I wouldn't want anyone to know that I was Vanilla Ice.
Just a head's up that if you think Animal Husbandry means what I thought it did, you probably won't be getting your deposit back on the tux.
I don't understand what the big deal is about temporarily wearing a mask. I've been wearing a mask of shame since my high school prom.
POS Trump said “If you were a Republican poll watcher you were treated like a dog.”
So both the poll watchers and the election were fixed?
POS Trump said “If you were a Republican poll watcher you were treated like a dog.”
Maybe they wouldn't have been treated like dogs if they weren't licking their own balls.
As far as I'm concerned, the jury's still out on President Biden's appointees until he announces his new Secretary of Shower & Toilet Water Pressure.
With Blinken, Raskin, Levin, Weingarten, Donilon, Dillon, and Yellen, President Biden's MAGA will mean My All Gerund Adminstration.
The Grammy nominations were just announced, and it was Billy Ray Cyrus's lucky day. Miley let him borrow 50 bucks so he could gas up the car and start his Uber shift.
It's like the Democrats are playing checkers, and POS Trump is playing 4D ImNotARealPresidentButICosplayOneOnTV.
Really looking forward to once again having an administration where STEM doesn't mean Sexism, Tyranny, Egotism, and McDonald's.
After finally hearing one of their songs, I'm guessing that the name of the band BTS stands for Bind, Torture, Sing.
Not all heroes wear capes. But according to the arresting officer at the playground, all adults there are required to wear pants.
I haven't prayed in years, but today I'm making an exception.
Dear God, once he leaves office, please have POS Trump use Rudy Giuliani as his lead attorney for all of his upcoming civil and criminal cases.
Amen.
Paul McCartney says that he once masturbated with John Lennon. And I say that neither of them was thinking of Yoko.
We're also still waiting for Michael Avenatti's concession speech.
Say what you will about Ted Cruz being a racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, antisemitic, pompous, halitosic, cowardly ass-kisser.
Happy Anniversary to Michael Keaton. It was 35 years ago today that he first started chewing that stick of gum.
I agree that he's an international treasure, but maybe the reason he disappeared for years is because Rick Moranis owed that guy in New York City some money.
Corey Lewandowski tested positive for COVID-19. So now we know it can go from bats to humans back to bats again.
I know about their voting rights, but can a person run for a federal office while serving time in a federal prison? Asking for a 2-time popular vote loser POS Trump.
CNN reports that thousands of dead people did not vote in Michigan or Pennsylvania. I would have thought more like tens of millions.
You may need to question if you're growing apart when you wake up excited and your wife doesn't want to hear about your life-altering Underpants Tuesday dream.
POS Trump is wasting his time looking for good election lawyers. He better start looking for good divorce lawyers.
And once January comes, we can all go back to not knowing what the 25th Amendment is.
CNN reports that not only is POS Trump out golfing, but that he is refusing to concede any putts to
Jack Nicklaus.
If my satellite company offered an All Celebration 2020 Election Results channel, I would never turn it off.
CNN announced that Joe Biden has won the presidency. And with that, Jeffrey Toobin finally came.
CNN announced that Joe Biden has won the presidency. And I saw thousands of Muslims cheering in New Jersey.
I just listened to CNN's "The Axe Files", and it would be an understatement to say that I was disappointed in the quality of their lumberjack stories.
Every night, CNN's John King has trotted out a new catchphrase that he repeats over and over. Tuesday, it was "It's still too early to call." Wednesday, it was "We have to count all the votes." Tonight, it's "Jesus Christ, Wolf, would it kill you to take a breath mint?"
I do have to give props to Donald Trump for one thing: I now have decent shower pressure to wash off the stench of these last 4 years.
I hear that the Joe Biden transition team is now accepting applications for First Lady Jill Biden lookalikes.
Unemployment claims will now be going through the roof with the layoffs of all the Melania lookalikes.
Okay, America, it took awhile, but today you finally threw a great (Vice Presidential) Gender Reveal Party.
Not to change the subject, but does anyone know how the election turned out?
After the election was called, I spent the rest of Saturday watching the late Herman Cain live streaming himself rolling over in his grave.
You think Rudy Giuliani felt stupid for showing up at Four Seasons Total Landscaping yesterday? Just imagine how Frankie Valli felt when they told him to shut up and start mowing.
Just read that Norm Crosby died. May he dress in pleats.
Hey Bob and Eric, if you've already confessed to shooting the sheriff, it probably doesn't matter how you're pleading on the deputy charge.
Private message to Lindesy Graham: You're not fooling anyone.
My mortgage is due on the 3rd of every month. Using the Supreme Court's recent decision as precedent, I will have my mortgage check postmarked November 3rd, but if the bank doesn't receive and cash it before November 4th, I won't honor it.
The best part of all this will be when Kanye West bumrushes Joe Biden’s acceptance speech.
Anne Hathaway just apologized for appearing to be insensitive to body differences. But I'm still waiting for her apology for appearing in her entire body of work.
Biden = 306
Trump = 232
Austin 3:16 = Joe Biden just whipped your ass.
I bet POS Trump thought that if he let the coronavirus spread throughout the whole country, he'd win 19 Electoral College votes from the state of COVID.
Man, you can cut the sexual tension between the 2 CNN big boards with a knife.
Sure, Joe Biden is leading in the Electoral College Vote category and the Popular Vote category, but POS Trump is leading in the Accused Rapist category.
No matter what votes come in when or how on Election Day, I put the over-under line for my emotional breakdown episodes at 8 1/2.
I understand that today's the election, but if they preempt my weekly very special episode of "This Is Us" tonight, I'm tipping shit over in the streets.
Every business should give its employees today off so they can take part in that patriotic American duty that is National Sandwich Day.
As you vote today, ask yourself: Am I better off now than I was 4 covfefes ago?
Any word on whether Herman Cain did absentee voting or will vote in person on Tuesday?
First Results of the 2020 Presidential Election: Dixville Notch, NH: Biden: 5 Trump.
And POS Trump's lawyers have already appealed these results to the Dixville Notch Supreme Court.
Boarding up my heart and soul now. Hoping to reopen by the middle of the week.
My father fought in WWII so that people could vote. Then he came home and fought anyone who liked the New York Yankees. He was a true patriot that way.
I don't care how you found yourself in the situation, it's sexy as hell watching a woman lick dripping blood off the edge of a knife.
Tomorrow is a day that I know I will never forget. And not just because I will start eating all 30 pounds of the leftover Halloween candy the minute Dixville Notch weighs in.
So sad to read that Bobby Orr endorsed POS Trump. I hope he'll be happy hanging out with Don Cherry talking about how "those people" have ruined 2 countries.
I'm less interested in knowing who put their overalls in Mrs. Murphy's chowder, and more interested in knowing who put their dong in the rama lama ding dong.
I have two questions after my recent shopping excursion:
1. What type of woman donates a thong to Goodwill?
2. Did I get ripped off paying $1.99 for it?
I still miss watching “60 Minutes” every week to see if Andy Rooney would forget he was on TV and use the word "snatch."
Whenever I see a fly walking upside down on the ceiling, I wonder why all the loose change isn't falling out of its pockets.
Here's a surefire way to tell if your wife is interested in what you’re saying to her: She isn’t.
Hindsight is not always 20/20. I have cataracts, so my hindsight is 20/2016. Go Hillary!
I was giving out Halloween candy tonight under the full moon when a black cat ran in front of me. And that actually felt subtle for 2020.
Never mind Jeffrey Toobin. There's something wrong with you if you HAVEN'T been masturbating imagining the results of the upcoming election.
My high school team in Boston was nicknamed the Fighting Redmen. Because we were all a bunch of sunburned Irish kids.
I've let myself go so much over during this pandemic that I can correctly be described as looking like Captain Lou Albano's uglier brother and having the personality of Rainman's less accomplished sister.
And that’s on a good day.
If you're losing 3-0 in game 6 of the NLCS and you strike out looking with the bases loaded, march right into the clubhouse and shave off your goddamn soulpatch!
Since people lose 99% of their body heat through their uncovered head, I propose that to stop global warming, we outlaw all of the Yul Brynner International Doppleganger Conventions.
It was just announced that whenever Dr. Fauci is on TV, under its "equal time" policy, NBC will counterprogram with a town hall promoting COVID-19.
On the bright side, if you get COVID-19 and lose your sense of smell, you can no longer be accused of having dealt it.
I always wear my underpants backwards to keep me uncomfortably on edge.
It feels like 2020 is "a very special episode" of civilization.
I miss the good old days when Donald Trump’s personal doctor looked like a Doobie Brothers roadie.
Right now, it feels like 2020 is The Rock and I'm Mankind in their Royal Rumble "I Quit" match.
When the definitive book is written about 2020, will anyone still be alive to read it?
Now Amy Coney Barrett will be known as "The Super Spreader" for more than just what she's done with her legs.
I can never remember - Is it disinfectant a COVID-19 and hydroxychloroquine a coronavirus? Or the other way around?
Which makes me more of an old-fashioned jerk? That I'm happy when an evil politician gets his comeuppance, or that I still use the word "comeuppance"?
2020 is so played out now that I expect it to announce that Mike Pompeo is being replaced by Ted McGinley.
Thank God, this White House has put the "Christ" back in "Who gives a fuck about Christmas stuff".
I bet Allen Iverson also hates practicing social distancing.
The day I knew I became an adult was the same day the cops told me that my girlfriend didn't.
If it's any consolation, Donald Trump, people will also be cheering wildly when your casket lies in state at the Lies To State wing of Trump University.
Every time I see a dirty mattress thrown out in front of a house, I expect Keith Morrison to show up and do a “Dateline” episode called "Sleeping With The Angels".
Or do I?
I set all my clocks 3 minutes ahead. And even though I haven't lived there in almost 30 years, I always have one clock set to Boston time. So kiss my ass, time/space continuum!
I can't wait for New York City schools to reopen because I'm just 3 credits shy of getting my degree in Grifting from Trump University.
I was born in a really seedy, violent, and dangerous section of my parents' love.
Once "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" goes off the air, how will I know which rappers and NBA players to lose all respect for?
Serious question: What the fuck, 2020?
It feels like 2020 is the worst Escape Room ever.
Now that "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" is ending, how will NBA players supplement their off-season income?
Why did only certain Donald Trump supporter boats on Lake Travis receive special treatment? Just because they were sinking?
#AllBoatsMatter
Did we ever find out the results of Paul von Hindenburg's gender reveal airparty?
When the POTUS has no Tolerance or Understanding, he's just a POS.
I've got my second interview for a job as an antifa shadow person tomorrow. Does anyone have an all-black outfit with gear and this and that that I can borrow?
When I wear the shirt I got at Goodwill, I tell everyone it's a Rescue Shirt.
I always finish the Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle in about 10 minutes. My secret? I'm a liar.
I'll vote for the candidate who promises to return our great country back to when 1 roll of toilet paper = 1 roll of toilet paper.
#IHateDoingMathInThePersonalHygieneAisleAtStopAndShop
Now that Jerry Falwell, Jr. has been fired for sexual misconduct and gross idiocy, he's all freed up to be the keynote speaker at the GOP convention.
Marilyn Manson and Justin Bieber are feuding. It’s like the King Kong versus Godzilla battle all over again, but with worse musicians.
As a silent protest, I will wear a mask while watching the GOP convention. And I will only remove it to spit at the TV. So now that I think of it, there'll probably be very little mask-wearing tonight.
Kellyanne Conway quit by using the number one cliched excuse that public figures shamelessly trot out. Still, it's a more believable excuse than number two: claiming she was being treated for sex addiction.
A great nickname for a movie character who's an amphetamine addict named Dennis would be "Benny Denny". Please contact me to buy the rights to that nickname. Serious inquiries only.
Am I the only one in this country who doesn't have Joe Biden's cell phone number?
What is this country coming to when even racists can't trust Steve Bannon?
Donald Trump isn't just unfit for public office, he's unfit for public toilets.
Really sweet stories at the Democratic convention of Joe Biden falling in love with Jill. I can't wait to hear all the adorable stories at the GOP convention of Donald Trump negotiating to buy Melania.
At the GOP convention, will Herman Cain be speaking before or after Ghislaine Maxwell, George Zimmerman, and the kid who was going to shoot up the Pizzagate place?
Colorado Rockies outfielder Charlie Blackmon has tested positive for the coronavirus. But since he plays at Coors Field, his numbers are probably inflated.
When Robert Trump died, I saw thousands of Muslims cheering in New Jersey.
People who won't wear a mask are afraid that it will clash with their tinfoil hat.
I just priced a Dual Adjustability Sleep Number mattress and realized that it would be cheaper to get a divorce.
No reason to be worried about the 250,000 Sturgis Motorcycle Rally participants spreading COVID-19. Just from looking at them, it's obvious that they're concerned with health, safety, and personal hygiene.
Since Mt. Rushmore won't work, and since he is so concerned with water flow, I think that an appropriate honor would be to have Donald Trump's face at the bottom of every toilet and shower.
With the announcement of Kamala Harris Democratic VP pick, my thoughts and prayers go out to Mike Pence.
Since we’ve checked murder hornets off the end-of-times bucket list, I’m now expecting the country to be attacked by incontinent flying donkeys. And I will not wear a hat!
Will people washing their hands while singing "Happy Birthday" to Bartholomew Maximilian MacFaindridgeshireton be healthier than those singing it to Joe Bly?
I wonder if Lori Laughlin will pay someone to take the coronavirus test for her daughters.
After Abner Doubleday invented baseball, he invented first names that are no longer used.
I like my women the way I like my dental floss.
Waxed.
I like my women the way I like my Parenting Magazine.
With special daddy issues.
The 10th dead humpback whale this year has washed ashore on Cape Cod.
So now the 11th one is free.
Sign seen on the White House lawn.
In This House, We Believe:
White Lives Matter
Women's Rights Are Decided By Men
No Gun Is Illegal
Angels Are Real
Love Is In The Pre-Nup
Kindness Is Weakness
On the rare occasion when the Supreme Court actually gets one morally correct, my first reaction is, "That would never have happened if Clarence Thomas were still alive."
It was very sneaky of the Murder Hornets to get jobs as Minneapolis cops.
Sadly, I'm sure someone's already working on this idea to be marketed toward racists: A collection of all the 9-1-1 phone call videos that report Blacks doing completely normal things, called "Karens Gone Wild!"
When Donald Trump has to update his resume in 2021, do you think he'll list "Bunker Inspector" before or after "Sexual Predator", "Vile Racist", and "Putin Meatsack"?
Donald Trump shakes the Bible like someone shaking an Etch A Sketch, trying to erase what better people have already created.
Donald Trump has even messed up the time-space continuum. He visited a church holding a Bible the day AFTER the church burst into flames.
Walking across the street is the most exercise Donald Trump has got since he threw paper towels at Puerto Ricans.
The only way Donald Trump would open that Bible is if he thought that the Whore of Babylon passage was scratch-and-sniff.
Walt Disney drew Donald Duck without pants because he wanted a constant reminder of his high school janitor.
Rain happens when God falls asleep on His throne and a couple of the mischievous angels stick His hand in a bucket of warm holy water.
When my imaginary friend ran away from home, I went all around town putting up “Missing Child” notices. They were just blank pieces of paper.
It's normal to have an imaginary friend growing up, but I bet Donald Trump was the only kid who had an imaginary enemy.
My parents never talked to me about anything involving feelings. They just hinted at things. Perfect example: I was in the 1st grade when my Grammy died, and when I got home from school that day, there was a chalk outline of her on the rocking chair.
I thought my money would be safe hidden in my mattress. But I just found out that the young boy I have chained to my bed is embezzling from me.
Another childhood hero tarnished. I just found out that Fuzzy Wuzzy is a skinhead.
With all this free time on my hands, I decided to take up a new hobby - watching my muscles atrophy.
Murder Hornets are starting to invade America. But some, I assume, are very fine hornets.
I hear that the Murder Hornets are paying Alan Dershowitz big money to claim that murder is Constitutionally protected.
In these trying times of isolation, I offer you big hugs (from 6 feet away, wearing a mask, gloves, and shame, the way God intended Catholic contact to be delivered).
A symptom of the coronavirus is the loss of smell and taste. Luckily, every day I wake up, I can still smell my own fear and taste my own defeat. So I'm good.
Meghan McCain has announced that she's pregnant. Or as the gun nut she is would say, "I've got another bullet in the chamber."
Even though the NBA has suspended its season, the New York Knicks are still 7-point underdogs tonight.
It was just announced that Justin Bieber had his personal details leaked in the recent MGM Resorts hack, marking the one millionth time that the words "Justin Bieber" and "hack" have been used in the same sentence.
Japanese scientists say they’ve created a child robot that can feel emotional pain. And to add insult to injury, they made it a Cleveland Browns fan.
Today is Ash Wednesday, and if I were you, I'd head right to the FBI with that priest's fingerprint on my forehead.
Today is Ash Wednesday. It's also the day when it's hardest to figure out which coal miners are Catholic.
Today is Ash Wednesday, and if the only smudge a priest leaves on you is some ashes on your forehead, consider yourself blessed.
Alan Dershowitz has got more guilty people off than the handjob specialist at San Quentin Prison.
How to save the price of a diamond ring this Valentine's Day - Make sure the mockingbird you buy her sings.
Justin Bieber announced at a press conference that he's now battling Lyme disease. And at a followup press conference, the tick announced that it's now battling syphilis.
Pete Davidson seems like the only guy who would go into rehab and come out with a face tattoo.
It's already six days in, and I'm still writing "2019" on my ransom notes.
Now that Brad Pitt won a Golden Globe, I bet he'll really start attracting the ladies.
Highlight and lowlight of New Year's Eve.
Highlight: I was in a Wal-Mart on New Year's Eve and heard this announcement - "Maintenance, you're needed in the Women's Department, Intimate Apparel area. Bring a mop."
Lowlight: I was in a Wal-Mart on New Year's Eve.
Talking about Donald Trump's impeachment, Lindsey Graham said his mind is made up. That makes sense, since so are his facts.
Did you hear about the new bedcover that can sense your sleep patterns, adjust temperatures, and even lock your doors. Thank God, someone finally invented an insecurity blanket.
A Polish badger drank 7 beers then passed out on a beach for 2 days. When he woke up, someone had drawn an arrow pointing to his mouth with the words “Place beaver here” written on his face.
A recent earthquake in southern California registered a 5.2 on the Richter scale, but a 0.0 movement on the Botox scale.
A McDonald’s study reveals that only 1 in 5 millennials has tried a Big Mac. But a study from my Aunt Nell and Uncle Charlie reveals that 5 in 5 millennials have tried their patience.
You can now buy the 2020 New York City taxi driver calendar. I can’t wait for the Uber driver to drop it off at my house.
I want to have lived a life so good that when I die, everyone says I was the sweetest man ever. And those who don't say it are ignorant pieces of shit.
The Brass Balls/No Balls Award goes to Representative Jim Jordan, who asked an impeachment witness why someone wouldn't immediately inform authorities when they heard about illegal acts, after then-coach Jim Jordan didn't inform authorities when he was told that his college wrestlers were being molested by the team doctor.
My keet just lost the use of its legs and wings. Now it's a parakeet.
Fun Fact: The amount of bumper stickers someone has on their car is in inverse proportion to how much that person actually reads.
When life gives you lemons, it also gives you papercuts.
I don’t like my eye doctor. Instead of using the machine that gently blows a tiny puff of air into your eyes to check for glaucoma, mine just blows his Marlboros in my face.
And his eye chart is just 7 different-sized pictures of him giving me the finger.
I was sad that after 7 years, I only have 57 followers on Twitter. Then I perked up after I realized that Jesus only had 12 followers after 33 years. Then I got sad again knowing that all 57 of mine will eventually betray me.
I read that the Alabama Public Broadcasting System refused to air the gay wedding episode of the cartoon "Arthur". And what's most surprising about that story is that Alabama has PBS.
Police in Germany raided a neo-Nazi music promotion network. But all they found was a lot of white noise.
A new study in the Journal Of Sex Research has just been released called, "Socially Unacceptable Men Enjoy Sex More With Mentally Unstable Women". A shorter title would have been, "Rappers Like To Screw Kardashians".
A Mississippi community is baffled by mashed potatoes mysteriously appearing on their doorsteps. But I'd be even more baffled if Mississippi people were finding insulin on their doorsteps.
Semi-naked climate change protesters in Parliament recently interrupted a debate about Brexit. Of course, "semi-naked" in England means that people were only partially hiding their teeth.
I'm sure they're all wonderful people, but there really are just too many Deschanels.
The way Kyrie Irving has been playing and acting lately makes me wonder if he's started dating a Kardashian.
On Sunday, the White House held its annual Easter Egg Roll. And to make sure that President Trump was comfortable, none of the eggs were colored.
I had enough snacks for my Bible Study Group until Jesus came and took the wheel of cheese.
The current measles epidemic is a result of parents who refuse to vaccinate their children. And I'm with them. Until one of those so-called "real doctors" gets a million dollars to show her vagina, I'll keep taking my medical advice from Jenny McCarthy.
As I hit my mid-60's, I realize that you're never too old to take up brand new crippling anxieties.
Happy Presidents Day to our 45 1/2 president, Vladimir Putin.
A Colorado jogger killed an attacking mountain lion with his bare hands. So if you thought his jogging stories were self-centered and annoying before . . .
Real headline: Nearly Half Of Americans Die Broke
Positive spin headline: A Big Comeback For Another Great American Tradition - Pauper's Graves
The only way I’d go to a Matthew McConaughey and Anne Hathaway movie is if it were a snuff film. And even then, I’d only pay for the matinee.
California lawmakers just made it illegal for car insurers to consider gender. Next, they'll make automakers call it a "personual transmission".
Howard Schultz recently stepped down as CEO of Starbucks. For his severance, he was given a to-go cup with "Harold" written on it.
Louis C.K. did a bit where he made fun of the Parkland school shooting survivors. It was so despicable that even Dane Cook wouldn't steal it.
A 25-year-old woman was recently married while hugging her childhood teddy bear. Now she and her husband will have a really funny story to tell when they break up in 6 months.
During this beautiful holiday season, let’s all remember to put the “Christ” back in “Christ, I can’t stand my family!”
I hope one day to be secure enough to express my love as openly as my dog does. Especially the part where he licks his own balls in public.
Money Magazine reported that Mark Zuckerberg lost over 15 billion dollars this year. And in a weird coincidence, that's the exact same amount that Vladimir Putin made.
When will everyone realize that "foodie" is really pronounced "douchebag"?
When making cookies for your office Christmas party, don't put any nuts in them. Because some of your co-workers might be allergic to testicles.
The Golden Globe nominations came out today, and it was a great day for Kevin James. He found a slice of pizza in some sweatpants he hadn't worn in a year.
The French government is paying women to have their breast implants removed. Thanks, France, for reminding me how much I hate you.
Watching Donald Trump trying to act like a decent human being at a funeral is like watching a fish trying to ride a bike. Not only are you surprised at the attempt, but you know that where he sat will always stink of fish.
My Mother passed away yesterday. Don't feel bad for me, though. Now I don't have to step over sidewalk cracks any more.
Kim Kardashian said that she was on ecstasy during her first marriage. And she's been on agony since the last.
Every time I see my dog licking his balls, I think that maybe the vet was right - that I should have thrown the balls away right after the castration.
I still don't understand why the day after Thanksgiving is set aside to celebrate Robinson Crusoe's African-American friend.
Donald Trumps' re-election slogan just leaked: "Take All The Hate You Want. We'll Make More."
The Backstreet Boys just announced their biggest arena tour in 18 years. The biggest venue they had sung in in the previous 18 years was a Ford Focus.
175,000 ballots had to be recounted in Florida when some voting machines overheated. But at least it was a dry heat.
No surprise headline: Lindsay Lohan contracts virus
Surprise detail: From a mosquito
No surprise detail: Mosquito now has syphilis
Roadtrip Tip #4: If you're about to go into a highway rest stop men's room, and a guy passes you on the way out saying "That wasn't me," just quietly get back into your car and drive to the next stop.
When a vegan also has a rain gauge, how does he decide which topic to annoy a person with first?
Life is like a video game. I haven't enjoyed one since the 1980's.
A New Jersey lottery player just won $5 million, $500, and $100 in the very same day. Which is not bad for an initial investment of $7 million.
Here's a get-rich-quick scheme that can't miss: the Kardashian Sisters Petting Zoo. With an Express Line for NBA players and rappers.
Idris Elba received the most votes from readers in People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive contest. But the Russians made sure that Donald Trump won the Electoral College Sexiest Man Alive vote.
Under Armour has announced that its employees will no longer be able to write off visits to strip clubs. But it is keeping Happy Ending Fridays.
My babysitter is just 14 years old. I have clothes older than her. Which is why I make her call my underpants "Sir".
The FBI arrested the Florida Trump supporter who sent at least 13 large packages of explosives through the mail. Meanwhile, the Florida Post Office bemoaned losing their best customer in years.
A self-driving, android robot just made its first door-to-door, fast-food, home delivery. And to make the experience more lifelike, the inventor gave the robot pimples.
"Jerseys Shore's" JWoww is launching a new line of lipstick. It's called "Herpes Simplex #1".
Rain happens when Tom Arnold uploads naked pictures of himself to the Cloud, and the Cloud sobs uncontrollably.
When I want to pretend that opera music has the power to heal, I listen to Placebo Domingo.
The most unused technology ever invented must be the HootersFoodToGo app.
To the patient who used the hospital lab's bathroom right before me: I don't know how your urine test came out, but judging from how wet the floor was, I think you need an eye exam, too.
We should listen to Alex Rodriguez talk about clubhouse comradery and postseason success the same way we listen to Larry King talk about happy marriages and bladder control.
The Republican Senators on the Judiciary Committee are so creepy and dangerous that I bet they've all had their accounts suspended on FarmersOnly.com.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight that's important. It's the size of your bet on the biggest dog in the fight.
I truly believe that the decrease in people using the word "dastardly" is in direct proportion to the decrease in villains tying damsels to railroad tracks.
Swimming is really just unsuccessful drowning.
Taco Bell just announced that it will offer pre-packaged tortilla chips inspired by its sauce packets. That's the first time that "Taco Bell" and "inspired" have been used in the same sentence since "Eating at Taco Bell so often inspired me to buy a new toilet."
It's been reported that Justin Bieber married Hailey Baldwin without having a prenuptial agreement. So whey they get divorced in a year, there'll be a big fight over who gets the puberty.
I wish you and yours a happy and holy Hump Day.
Money can't buy happiness. But it can buy a Kardashian. Which proves that it can't buy happiness.
Cats don't really have 9 lives; they're just very good at identity theft.
Lassie giving advice to Benji: "If you want to survive in Hollywood, you have to take time to stop and smell the asses."
Elton John 3:16: "For God so loved mankind that He gave it His only begotten Son Jesus, who wants to go to Venus, leaving Levon far behind."
Tinder just announced a new safety feature that will help women avoid sexual predators. It's called the KavaNO button.
If confirmed, Brett Kavanaugh will be the first Supreme Court Justice to wear a crotchless robe.
The NFL has announced that Maroon 5 will be appearing in this season's Super Bowl. And Vegas bookies have announced that the Buffalo Bills will be a 17-point underdog to them.
I think my dog is racist. He doesn't bark at Blacks, but he has a Ted Cruz sticker on his doghouse.
Stigmata Mittens: Because Jesus Wants To Make Snowballs, Too™
An even weirder coincidence than Judge Kavanaugh's alibi being named Mark Judge is that the owner of the high school party house was named Clarence Rapist.
It seems odd to me that the NFL has a more stringent Protocol Concussion Program for checking scrambled brains than the White House does.
I bet The Man From Nantucket was very popular in prison.
Suspenders were originally used not to hold up your pants, but to pull down your shoulders.
Snow is a result of God's illegal alien maid dusting Heaven.
First there was CraigsList. Then AngiesList. Now FranzListz. Maybe I can sell my 19th century puns there. Asking $30 - cash only, no Czechs.
I think that white noise is the most privileged of all noises.
I'm so skinny that when my Mom was pregnant with me, she was actually concave. People used to think she was giving birth to an open parenthesis.
A recent survey showed that Melania Trump is more popular than Donald Trump. Never mind Melania, at this point, melanoma is more popular than Donald Trump.
Leslie Cockburn, a Democratic congressional nominee in Virginia, accused the Republican candidate of writing Bigfoot-themed erotica. I don't really care about the Bigfoot thing, but I'll back any candidate whose motto is "Vote For Les Cockburn".
A stockbroker turned Hell’s Angel accused of murder, decapitation, and drug trafficking has been extradited back to the United States. You know, I’m a pretty liberal guy, but even I draw the line at letting in stockbrokers.
A Texas girl's loose tooth was pulled using her brother’s Nerf gun by tying the Nerf bullet to the tooth. When asked why they would let their 4-year-old shoot the tooth out of their 3-year-old with a Nerf gun, the Texas parents said it was because their 5-year-old had taken the real gun to kindergarten.
The 2018 Kennedy Center Awards will be honoring Cher and the play Hamilton. They have a lot in common since they both had 11 Tonys in one night.
After going on a racist rampage at a Chicago Starbucks, a neo-Nazi ventriloquist insisted that he’s not a racist. But what’s really going to ruin his reputation is that when he made his denial, you could see his lips move. When questioned separately, his dummy had no comment.
Paleontologists are excited that they have just identified the world’s largest dinosaur foot. “Hey, who do you have to blow to get some positive press around here?” said an irate Bigfoot.
Texas Hospitals are seeing a massive baby boom 9 months after the Houston Astros won the World Series. In related news, LA Dodger fans continue to masturbate to pictures of Tommy Lasorda.
Police arrested a naked man who was doing jumping jacks in a Kentucky McDonald’s ladies room. Meanwhile, the naked woman doing jumping jacks in the men’s room was applauded and never reported.
The state of Kentucky just cut dental care to 460,000 people. 460,000 Kentuckians? That’s almost half a million teeth.
Federal Prosecutors have announced that they have 12 recordings made by Michael Cohen. And somehow, 8 of the recordings feature Tupac.
Mark Zuckerberg said that Holocaust deniers aren't "intentionally getting it wrong." He should have said that they're intentionally getting it alt-right. Then Facebook posted a "Which Nazi Are You Most Like?" personality quiz. I was Chandler.
I'm so glad the World Cup soccer games are finally over. Just another thing I’m supposed to pretend that I care about every 4 years. Like my wife’s orgasms. And just like her orgasms, after 2 straight hours of kicked balls and faked moans, there’s still no score.
I saw a t-shirt at a marathon the other day that said "Pain is weakness leaving the body". I didn't have the heart to tell him he spelled "wellness" wrong.
Iggy Azalea recently said that she has the best vagina in the world. Your move, Caitlyn Jenner's surgeons.
Britney Spears suffered a wardrobe malfunction at a recent Las Vegas concert when her strap broke. But there were more complaints about the audio malfunction when her mic worked.
It looks like all of my baseballs are snitches.
I use a female voice on my GPS so I can pay it less.
A father in Utah said that a hospital charged him $39.95 to hold his newborn baby. But the good news is that for just 20 bucks, they let him wave at the kid.
I'm terrible with names. I mean, I can remember them, but I named my kids Monkey Teat, Belly-Zits McKnucklehead, and Trevor.
Did you know that the rapper Lil Bowwow's real name is Lillian Bowwow?
How To Get Away With Murder, Tip #8: Bury your victim in one of those historical time capsules, and it won't be opened for 100 years.
My wife told me to stop mansplaining. So I told her to stop womannoying. Then I explained to her what that meant.
CNN political commentator Ana Navarro said that the Trump Administration has a harder time keeping employees than McDonald’s. When asked for comment, former White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci said, “Would you like fries with that?”
I went to my doctor to talk to him about those little pills that make you not care about anything. You know – testicles. My doctor’s a pessimist, so he says it’s erectile dysfunction. But I’m an optimist, so I say my pants are half full.
Both Tiffany and Ivanka Trump posted birthday messages online for Melania Trump. And plagiarizing yet again, Melania responded by posting, "Thank you so much, Malia and Sasha."
There's now a dating app just for rich people who went to private schools. It's called incestry.com.
Here’s a fun Olympic fact: One is the number of Gold Medals that Great Britain won at the recently completed Winter Olympics in the Women’s Skeleton. And one is also the number of times the Queen said, “Tell me why they don’t just keep all the women’s skeletons in the closet, like we do.”
Even though I’m a die-hard Boston Celtics fan, I have to admit that Kobe Bryant will go down as one of the NBA’s all-time top 10 rapists.
Cinemark Theatres has announced a ban on large bags to enhance safety and security. Great, so now what am I supposed to put over my head when I’m dragged to an Adam Sandler movie?
All McDonald’s in the United States are removing cheeseburgers and chocolate milk from their Happy Meals, but Canada is still including them. It’s weird, my Dad went to Canada to avoid the Viet Nam war. I’ll be going there to avoid a healthy Happy Meal.
A company in Japan is making it easier to snowboard at night with their new snowboard made with LED bulbs. This is perfect, because I can’t tell you how many incandescent bulbs I’ve broken during my downhills. It’s being marketed to those who are sick and tired of ending up in traction during the day.
The mayor of Lantana, FL, has been accused of asking a woman for sex in exchange for putting in speed bumps that she wanted near her house. She turned him down by holding up a “Do Not Enter” sign.
Over the weekend, a theater in Atlanta, GA, mistakenly played Fifty Shades Freed instead of the Black Panther movie. So it was really more like a showing of Black and Blue Panther.
Jennifer Aniston announced on Thursday that her marriage to Justin Theroux is over. So given what a media-shy person she is, let’s all please respect her request for privacy that she asked for on the cover of People, Us Weekly, The National Enquirer, her Twitter account, Facebook page, Ellen, The Tonight Show, ESPN’s SportsCenter, and your city’s local schools-closing report.
Southern Illinois University is coming under fire for unauthorized herpes experiments. It should have been a red flag that the experiments were just putting sleeping students’ hands in water to see if it hurt when they peed.
Gloria Copeland, Trump’s spiritual adviser, recently said that “Jesus himself gave us the flu shot”. Come on, anyone who believes that is out of their mind. That Trump has a spiritual adviser.
An improv actor has sued Upright Citizens Brigade after he was fired for allegedly raping two fellow comics. UCB’s lawyer can’t wait to ask him “Did you rape that woman?” and have his “Yes, and…” instincts kick in.
Starting next year, Lucerne University in Switzerland will offer a degree in yodeling. Also starting next year, Lucerne University will offer a degree in “Sticking Your Fingers In Your Ears”.
Recently on “Ellen”, Michelle Obama told Ellen what that mysterious Inauguration gift was that Melania Trump gave her. But now Michelle has to pay back $130,000 for breaking the nondisclosure agreement.
A group of musicians from Norway performed a concert using musical instruments made entirely of ice. The show was cancelled halfway through the first song, though, when a musician’s tongue got stuck to his flute.
A porn movie has been made based the Broadway play “Hamilton". And it ends the same way as the play – with 11 Tonys being held by the head.
The Queen’s lingerie designer was fired after writing a tell-all book about royal bra fittings. Coincidentally, that was also the reason that Donald Trump fired Anthony Scaramucci.
In England, a woman rode a motorcycle naked, had sex in the street, then punched out a blind man. So congratulations, Lindsay Lohan, on getting your English motorcycle license.
CNN has discovered that Queen Elizabeth II earned over $8.8 million in horse-race prize money. And it would have been even more if she hadn’t insisted on being the jockey. That sounds like a lot, but it’s actually a little less than she made running illegal Palace cockfights.
You can now live inside America’s first shopping mall in Providence, RI, for $550 a month. The apartments are advertised as “2 beds, 1 bath, and a free spritz of perfume as you walk through the lobby.”
It was announced this week that Mississippi’s Jefferson Davis Elementary School, which was named for the President of the Confederate States, will be renamed the Barack Obama Elementary School. Evening things up for the Confederacy, though, Trump University just announced that it will be reopening as Trump University.
Northern Michigan University is offering a 4-year Bachelor’s degree in marijuana. As odd as that sounds, it will still lead to more worthwhile job offers than I’m getting with my English degree. They’re like (stoner voice), “I’m getting my PHD in THC.” And I’m all (overly enunciated), “To whom shall I serve these fries?”
The state of New York has banned using elephants for entertainment purposes, such as in circuses. So a lot of them are going back to their first careers as Seeing Eye Elephants.
The Park Hyatt hotel in Melbourne, Australia has hired a Labrador retriever to be its concierge. He’s always ready to help when you’ve forgotten where the hotel’s formal dance is, and you ask him, “Where’s the ball?"
Angelina Jolie has offered to help capture Ugandan warlord Joseph Kony. That’s very nice of her, but Kony isn’t the one who starred in “Lara Croft 2”, so who’s the real war criminal here?
A Virtual Aquarium featuring 3-D animations inspired by real-life National Geographic footage is opening in Times Square. Oddly, the virtual goldfish all still die within 24 hours.
A recent study showed what one dollar can buy you around the world. In Japan, a kid can get a Snickers bar. In Italy, a thirsty man can get an espresso. And in the United States, a dollar will get a woman about three quarters.
The Nobel Prize Committee gave 1.1 million dollars to scientists for DNA research to control the body’s sleep patterns. Meanwhile, I gave 2 bucks to my neighbor at his yard sale for a used alarm clock to control my body’s sleep patterns.
Pittsburgh’s self-driving car boom means that robotics engineering students are making over $200,000 a year as soon as they graduate. Which they will count by themselves in the backseat of the cars that are being driven by their imaginary friends.
President Trump threw paper towels into the crowd while visiting hurricane victims in Puerto Rico. And that was actually more helpful than the last thing Trump threw in Puerto Rico, which was a tantrum.
Khloe Kardashian just announced that she’s pregnant. She doesn’t care if it’s a boy or a girl, as long as it’s healthy ratings.
I’m sure you’ve seen in the news that Kim Kardashian, Khloe Kardashian, and Kylie Jenner are all three expecting babies. Well, they say that good news comes in threes, so now I’m waiting for three pieces of good news.
Nevada sold over $27 million worth of pot in the first month it was legal. So it looks like a lot of those $8.99 All-You-Can-Eat Vegas Buffets are about to go out of business.
Apparently, no one wants to sublet Ivanka Trump’s NYC apartment. It’s a good deal, though. The $10,400 a month includes parking, utilities, and a storage space for your soul.
The recent New York Fashion Week had the most plus-sized models ever. Just beating out every Sir-Mix-A-Lot video.
A student from India invented the “ElectroShoe”, which lets women give attackers an electric shock. Which is very effective as long as you’re assaulted by someone with a foot fetish. But it’s still not nearly as effective as Ronco’s VaginaBearTrap.
Jodie Sweetin, who starred in “Full House”, admitted that she has never even watched the show. As People magazine says, “Celebrities. They’re Just Like Me.”
Barbra Streisand would only allow photographers to take pictures of her from her “good side” while taking calls at the Hurricane Harvey telethon. And her “good side” is anything before 1973.
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